


Working It Out

by L_R_Walsh



Series: New Leaves, Ever Turning [2]
Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Healing, POV Alternating, Reconciliation, Slow Burn, Working to be a better partner, post TLOU2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 29,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25817314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_R_Walsh/pseuds/L_R_Walsh
Summary: Ellie's back, but Dina has a hard time believing she's actually here to stay. There’s a lot to work through for them to get to an okay place, but she wants to try. Trying is all they have left.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Series: New Leaves, Ever Turning [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1856464
Comments: 99
Kudos: 295





	1. It's a Start

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after my other fic _This is Us, Right?_ So you may want to give that a quick read before continuing here. 
> 
> This story will be alternating POV between Dina and Ellie. Dina's POV is seen through 3rd person prose. Ellie's POV is seen through her journal entries.

Dina stands in front of the kitchen sink, absentmindedly washing a dish, running a sponge over it in slow circular motions. Her mind wandering as she looks out the window over the sink. It’s only been a few months since she had left the farm behind and moved back to Jackson. She feels in stasis, not moving forward, unable to go back. 

The last couple of weeks have been difficult, making multiple trips to the farm and back, gathering all that’s there to bring back to the settlement; moving furniture, uprooting and replanting crops. Dina’s exhausted, the latest trip had been especially draining, it was the last one. Most of Ellie’s things had been left behind, too painful to bring back. She couldn’t resist bringing back some of her artwork though, it hangs in JJ’s room now. 

She had stood at the kitchen sink at the farm, not dissimilar to the one here in Robin’s house, window overlooking the yard. Remembering Ellie distracting her, dancing in the kitchen with JJ, she can almost feel the phantom touch of Ellie’s arms around her, can almost can hear the music from the record player.

But that’s just what those are, the arms of a ghost. 

She shakes herself out of her reverie, Ellie’s not coming back, she needs to be strong and move on for her son. Where she finds the strength reserved she has no idea. 

As she gets back to the task at hand, she's distracted by a knock at the door. Maybe Robin’s neighbor needs something, he’s always stopping by for one thing or another, and wiping her hands on a towel she walks to get the door. 

Opening it, she drops the towel she had been drying her hands with and freezes in shock at what she sees. It’s not possible. 

Ellie is standing there. Dina’s focus narrows to the woman standing on her porch in front of her, the rest of the world falls away, only hearing her own heartbeat in her ears. Dina focuses in on her eyes, staring at her in disbelief, seeing astonishment reflected in the other’s eyes. Not taking her eyes off of Ellie, she closes the door to face this apparition, her mind stubbornly refusing to believe what’s in front of her, her heart both overjoyed and in turmoil at the sight. Dina reaches out, just to see if this is to be believed, but pulls back at the last moment, not really sure she actually wants the confirmation. 

“This is still us, right?”, Ellie asks.

The question takes Dina by surprise, blinking down at what Ellie’s pressing into her hands in confusion. Turning the book over in her hands, she recognizes it as the one she had found in Seattle. 

Dina’s own copy of _Sorority Secrets_ sits on the shelf inside, she didn’t realize Ellie had ever noted her interest in the book. Ellie’s copy looks like it’s seen better days, spine creased and peeling, dirt and water stains abound. A reflection of its owner, that it’s been through hell and back.

“That hasn’t been us in a long time, Ellie” Dina replies, her mouth sets in a hard line with resentment winning out over all other emotions. Dina is furious at Ellie for walking away, for prioritizing revenge over her family. 

But that anger that had been slowly coming to a boil, just as slowly subsides as she looks again into Ellie’s eyes. It’s evident that she trying, in her own way, to show remorse, that she still cares about her. If Ellie can try, so can she, and she says as much, “but I want it to be”. Ellie’s hopeful smile is confirmation of that enough. It’s just enough to hold onto for now. 

Taking a step back, Dina turns to open the door, motioning to Ellie to follow her in the house. Dina half expects her to have vanished by the time she turns around again, still hardly believing she’s actually here. 

They stand in the entry way looking at one another, awkwardly smiling, not knowing where to start now that they’re really in front of one another again. Dina nervously runs her hands down her thighs, suddenly they feel clammy. 

“You look like shit” Dina says surveying her, she’s barely recognizable actually. Ellie’s skin is red and nearly blistering from sun exposure, her clothes are splotchy with a muddy brown color, clearly dried blood, a lot of it. Dina worries her lip looking over her, dreading seeing what scars might lie beneath.

Tension between them is mounting, and finally reaching a breaking point, Dina can’t take it anymore, and pulls Ellie in for a firm hug, burying her nose in the crook of her neck. Ellie is holding on just as tightly. 

They stand there holding one another for a long while, both lose track of how long. 

“Wait here”, pulling out of the hug, Dina goes outside to pull fresh laundry off the line, returning to the house to press the clean clothes into Ellie’s hands. 

“You smell like a pile of hot garbage” Dina says to Ellie smirking, playfully shoving her away, “take a shower and then we’ll talk. Upstairs, it’s the second door on the left” 

As she watches Ellie go up the stairs, she almost follows, if only to keep her in her line of sight, as though Ellie will disappear for good when out of view. 

Filled with nervous energy, Dina starts up with chores again, tidying up the living room and dining area, taking the rest of the laundry in from outside and starting to fold it, before returning to the dishes. 

Lost in thought again while washing the dishes, she doesn’t hear Ellie descend the stairs. At the sound of a throat clearing, Dina’s eyes snap up to see Ellie leaning on the door frame of the kitchen looking at her with a sheepish smile on her face. Ellie looks much more like herself now after getting properly cleaned up, no longer the blood stained stranger standing on her porch. 

Dina wipes her hands off and motions to the couch, both making their way to it and sitting on opposite ends. The tension between them is back. Ellie is looking down, and Dina can see her hands are trembling as Ellie fiddles with them in her lap. Dina calmly reaches out and puts a hand over Ellie’s restless ones but drops them in shock. How had she not noticed her left hand before?

“I guess not all of me made it back”, Ellie tries to joke, wiggling her hand with the missing fingers.

Dina retakes Ellie’s hand, moving slightly closer, both hands holding Ellie’s, she asks the question that had been eating away at her, “was it worth it?”

Ellie stutters an answer, “I thought- well, I had a long time to think on the way back...I just- it’s-...I wish I had a concise answer for you, you deserve an explanation. ”

“Take your time”

Dina tucks a strand of hair behind Ellie’s ear, mad as she is at her, she can’t help but continue to reach out to her, just to reassure herself she’s actually here. 

“This right here”, Ellie says motioning between them, “is worth it Dina. I- I was so broken, I couldn’t - wasn’t a good partner for you, I want to be that for you. I want to be _here_ for you.”

“You have a habit of walking away when you can’t handle things Ellie. Remember when Robin came to visit and you walked off into the woods for hours, only coming back after dark! And this time I thought you had walked away for good! How long until you leave again?! I can’t do this if you keep walking away when things get rough Ellie!”

“I felt I needed it, but doubts set in half way to California, and by the time I got there and had Abby in my grasp I knew it was a mistake. She isn’t more important than my family, and I’ll spend each day proving it to you if you’ll let me, Dina. I’m such an idiot.”

Dina brings her hand up to wipe away a tear from Ellie’s cheek. “You’re my idiot”

Ellie moves closer, rests her forehead against Dina’s, and brings her hand up to caress Dina’s cheek, “ I know”.

Dina smiles through her own elated tears, and takes off the Hamsa bracelet from her wrist that Ellie had left behind. She pulls Ellie’s arm toward her and slips the bracelet back on Ellie's arm where it belongs. She’s filled with relief that they’ve been given another chance, she’s always believed in luck, she can’t pass up this opportunity, but they have so much to work through and rebuild. 

Ellie sits back, “I have something for you, well really its for both of us, hold on-“ 

Ellie gets up and reached into her backpack, Dina curiously looking over trying to see what she’s pulling out. Confused when it’s another book.

“I found this when I found that other book while making my way back” Ellie starts, “It’s a workbook on relationships, thought we could do some of these together.”

There it is again, Ellie trying. Dina can meet her half way. Dina takes the book and leafs through it, surprised to see Ellie has filled out some of the book already.

A clock chimes on the wall, 4pm, she’s late for picking up JJ from the daycare center. Dina has an internal debate as she’s leafing through the book, to let Ellie see JJ yet or not. The answer seems obvious, but not without doubt. Ellie’s trying, like really trying. 

“Maybe we can start this in a day or so, right now I’m late for picking up JJ, want to walk over with me?”

Dina’s sure she hasn’t seen Ellie move that quick in a long while. 

It’s not a far walk, but it feels longer than usual, still not used to having Ellie back. Not sure when it’ll feel real or even normal again. 

“Where are you staying now that you’re back in Jackson” Dina asks. 

It’s clear from Ellie’s dumbfounded expression that she hadn’t even thought of it until now. 

“Ellie, I’m glad you’re back, but I think we should spend some time apart while we work on our relationship. I don’t want to rush anything and I’m not sure that I’m ready for us to be back living together so soon” 

“It’s ok, I understand, I just didn’t even have a plan when coming in through the gates, and I didn’t know if you’d still want me here-“

Dina stops Ellie with a hand on her shoulder “Ellie you’re rambling again”, Dina says bringing her other hand up to her cheek, “I want this, but I’m just not ready. Now let’s go see your Potato.”

Ellie releases a sign of relief and they start walking again. 

“I’ll stop by Maria’s and see what housing options are available after seeing JJ”.

~

Arriving at the daycare center, Ana, a preschool teacher, meets them outside with JJ in her arms. Dina doesn’t know where to look, eyes going back and forth between her son and Ellie, trying to determine which has the larger smile on their face. Ellie looks over at her with uncertainty in her eyes. 

“Go ahead” 

Ellie takes JJ from Ana and bounces him up and down in her arms before holding onto him tightly with tears in her eyes, Dina’s eyes aren’t any drier. They spend time in the small playground at the daycare center, Ellie on the swings with JJ, enjoying time as a family for the first time in months. 

“It’s getting to be his dinner time, we should be heading home. I’ll see you around?” Dina asks with doubt creeping in, maybe it never really left to begin with. 

“Yes” Ellie says with certainty, kissing JJ on the head and handing him over to Dina. 

They walk to the gates of the playground, Dina takes JJ’s hand and waves goodbye for him, speaking softly in his ear, “say goodbye to Ellie”. 

“Bye bye JJ” Ellie says giving his foot a squeeze. 

~~~

Dina and JJ start walking home, leaving Ellie at the playground gates. Ellie’s wistfully watching her walk away with JJ. Once they’re out of sight, Ellie makes her way to the Tipsy Bison, looking for Maria. 

She spots her at the bar scolding Seth. Ellie hangs back just out of earshot, not wanting to get involved with anything relating to that bigot. Eventually, Maria looks up from the bar and, seeing Ellie, walks up to her. 

“That pack looks heavy”, Maria has a way of asking questions without actually asking anything. The question of why she still has her backpack on her, why she’s here and not with Dina is evident. 

“Dina and I didn’t get much of a chance to talk. All things considered, it went pretty well, at least she hasn’t thrown me out of Jackson yet.”

“Well, it’s a start” Maria says.

“Yeah, but I am going to need a place to stay.”

“Let’s grab dinner and you can stay at my place for the time being” 

Maria orders some food from the bar to go. Back at Maria’s, Ellie recounts her conversation with Dina and reunion with JJ. It wasn’t much, but like Maria said, it’s a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading this! Let me know what you think!  
> I'm elliesjournals.tumblr.com Come say hi!


	2. The Future Starts Slow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie's journal entries from her first few days being back in Jackson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought it’d be cool to create new journal entries for Ellie since it was such an integral part in the game!
> 
> I added the text from each journal entry after each image just in case the handwriting is difficult to read.

How could this place

Once considered home

Now look so  ~~ frightening ~~ intimidating

Can it be home again

~

Arrival overdue

But the longest stretch

Is the walk back to you

And your porch steps

The future starts slow

There’s an abandoned house toward the west side of town. Maria says I can stay there, but it needs some fixing up first.

~

The house is in better shape than I thought it’d be. Some roof repair and plumbing issues with the kitchen sink and furniture repairs. The farm was in worse shape, so this should be a piece of cake. Been going through the things left in the house and found some cool stuff, few movies, some records. Maria tells me that a lot of my things were left on the farm, not sure when I’ll go collect them, if I will.

~

There’s a baby’s crib, Maria encouraged me to fix it up. I appreciate the vote of confidence, confidence I don’t have, just have hope.

Been here a few days and haven’t seen Tommy yet. Haven’t seen him around town. Maria says he’s been staying up at the dam. I want to talk with him, I have so much to tell him, not that I think he’ll want to hear it. But I don’t want to leave town so soon after arriving. I’ll try to get word to him that I’m back. Maria says that there’s a supply run heading out to restock the dam later this week. I’ll see if I can send a letter along with them.

~

I’ve made a few trips to the clinic to get my side looked at and have the bandages changed, its finally feeling better. I can move around without it hurting constantly. Maria thinks it still needs a few more days, she’s assigned me to work in the woodshop in town.

~

Haven't seen Dina in awhile, I miss her. But she said she wasn't ready. 

Tommy,

I’m back in Jackson. Maria says you’re living out at the dam these days. Hope you can find time to visit Jackson soon, there’s-

I know I made a promise, but I just couldn’t finish her, I let her go.

You were right from the start, Joel wouldn’t have wanted us to go after her,I’m sorry for pushing you to go. I know why you pressured me to go to California. You should know that I think its water under the bridge, forgive and forget and whatnot, don’t think the same can be said for Dina.

Abby already’s take so much, she didn’t deserve anymore.

Don’t be a stranger,

Ellie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading this! Let me know what you think!  
> I'm @elliesjournals on tumblr, come say hi!


	3. Take a First Step However Small

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doubt is still churning in Dina’s mind as she reflects on the old farm house. Where does it fit in her life now that Ellie’s returned? Where is their relationship even heading?

It had been a long day, an even longer week, time was just crawling by. Now that everything was transported over from the farm it was just a matter of replanting. Dina has been out in the field since dawn, now dusk she’s trudging home longing for a hot bath. Relieved to finally have home in sight, Dina crosses the lawn and walks up the porch steps, wondering when they became so mountainous, each step laborious. 

Entering to see Robin descending from upstairs, Dina’s reminded of just how grateful she is of Robin’s support.

“Well, you look dead on your feet” Robins says giving Dina a quick overview, “I kept your supper warm in the oven. JJ’s just gone to sleep” 

Dina gives Robin a tired smile, “Thank you so much”.

Dina quickly eats before heading upstairs to run a bath. Looking in the mirror, it’s hard to differentiate between the dirt on her face from her freckles. Soon she’s sinking in, the scalding water instantly turning her aching limbs to jelly. Dina leisurely leans her head back and lets her mind wander. For the past few days she’s been absorbed with farm rotation work and has had little time for much else, any remaining energy has been devoted to her son. Her thoughts now drift to her other half, who’s currently half way across town. 

Dina isn’t purposefully avoiding Ellie, but the longer they go without speaking, the tension only grows, making any interaction seem daunting. The book Ellie had brought back, she had only skimmed it, but it had felt like a good starting place, but how to actually take that first step? 

Seeing Ellie again, the first sight of her back, had felt overwhelming enough, but now this felt just as formidable. It seems like each step in rebuilding their relationship is going to be arduous. Hopefully it’ll get easier. 

When was it ever easy for them though? Joel’s death has hung over them from the start, they eventually buckled under the weight of their grief. How do they find the strength again to try? What if they end up worse off? Trying only to fail again? Dina knows she won’t be able to handle loosing Ellie another time. However, maybe this would be different. This time Ellie was trying, her effort plain as day, she had seemed more open than she’d ever been. She and Ellie had been best friends for years, maybe that was were they needed to start? 

_All this about starting, but were are we even going? Where do I want this to go?_ Dina muses, _What good is it having hopes or a plan when I’m not even sure Ellie is actually planning on staying?_

The doubt in her mind is harder to weed out than anything from her farm rotation shift. 

After days working the field, farm work is the last thing Dina wants to think about, but she finds herself thinking about the farm house anyway. It had been her dream to live out there with real open space. Where does it fit in all of this now? She’s already moved everything back. Is she replanting crops from the farm, only to have to rip them up again later? When will her roots be able to take hold? 

She’s gotten used to, and has grown to greatly appreciate, the support of living back in Jackson, Dina doesn’t think the solitary farm life is for her anymore. It’s appeal has dwindled. It was a place of solitude, a respite from the chaos of their world. They had been trying to outrun the ghosts of everyone they’d lost, but in not facing them, in not confronting their grief, it’s what got them here in the first place. They lost themselves. Ellie leaving, them not sharing their inner turmoil, it wasn’t a safe place from their pain, it just let it fester. 

_No_ , Dina thinks, _the farm isn’t part of my future anymore._

The water’s growing tepid, leaning towards cool now. Dina quickly scrubs the day off before getting out to get ready for bed. At least this was the last farm shift for a few days. Dina is asleep the moment her head hits the pillow. 

~

After dropping off JJ at the daycare center, Dina heads to the market to talk with the butcher. She’s been tasked with picking up ingredients for tonight’s dinner. Walking down the street, turning a corner, she spots Ellie, her back is to her. Dina takes a moment, thinks back to last night, _first steps_ , _first steps_ , _first steps_. She takes a step towards Ellie. 

“Finally replacing those old worn canvas sneakers?” Dina asks, seeing that Ellie is examining a new pair of black high top canvas shoes, at least these looked sturdier than her last pair. 

Ellie’s face lights up when she sees Dina, “Figured it was time to put them out of their misery”.

“I’m glad I ran into you, I was wondering if you’d like to come over for dinner tonight? We’ll talk and you can see JJ. I can tell he misses you.”

Beaming, Ellie says, “Of course, I’d really like that”, as if Dina couldn’t tell from the grin splitting her face right now. 

“Great, so I’ll see you at 6?” 

“Yes!”

Dina, grinning shyly, starts to walk backwards away from Ellie, not wanting to look away from her just yet. She waves goodbye, before turning around and heading to the butcher’s. 

~

“I noticed you picked up a few more ingredients than usual, are we expecting company tonight?” Robin asks while prepping dinner. Tonight they’re making roasted lamb with potatoes. Robin has just finished mincing the garlic and sets it aside to mix together a spice blend of rosemary, cumin, thyme, and turmeric; putting all the spices in a mortar and picking up the pestle. 

“Oh! Yeah! I ran into Ellie at the market and invited her over for dinner. Is that ok?” Dina asks, focused on quartering small red potatoes.

“Of course it’s ok, I’m glad to see that you’re making progress with her. As long as you’re sure, than it’s more than ok” 

Dina releases a breathe she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. 

~

With dinner almost ready, Dina sits at the table, impatiently bouncing her leg, waiting for Ellie to arrive. She gets JJ situated in his high chair. Like mother, like son, JJ too is getting fidgety, clearly hungry and on the verge of wailing.

At the knock at the door, Dina springs up to answer it. 

“Ellie! Come on in! Dinner’s almost ready” 

Dina reaches out to take Ellie’s arm and leads her to the dinner table, motioning for her to take a seat on the other side of JJ. 

Instead of sitting, Ellie kisses the top of JJ’s head, and moves to help set the table, “Um, Hi Robin, were do you keep your plates?” Ellie asks, awkwardly scratching the back of her head. 

“Third cabinet over dear” Robin pulls Ellie in for a quick hug. 

With the table set and food on the table, they all sit down to eat. Dina starts cutting up the lamb and potatoes into small bite size pieces for JJ. 

“Here, let me”, Ellie offers, slowly moving the plate towards herself, giving Dina time to protest, before continuing the task. She sets the plate in front of JJ, who immediately grabs a fist full of potatoes, getting more on his face than in his mouth. 

Dina is glad to see that Ellie’s appetite has returned, in full force it seems, as she takes a second helping of both the lamb and potatoes. 

They all make small talk throughout the meal, not touching on heavy topics for now, just enjoying each others company. 

Soon dinner is over, and Ellie brings the plates over to the sink to help wash up, while Robin takes JJ upstairs to get ready for bed. Robin gives Dina a knowing look, she’s giving them time to talk alone. Dina is as grateful as she is nervous. 

Dina walks up to Ellie at the kitchen sink, bringing her hand up to stop her scrubbing, “I’ll finish that up later, come on and sit with me” Dina says gently squeezing Ellie’s arm, tugging her over to the couch to get comfortable. Wanting to stay tethered, Dina keeps hold of Ellie’s arm. 

“Tell me about your day, it’s hard to believe it’s only been a couple of days since I saw you last, what have you been up to?” Dina asks.

“I went to the clinic today”

Dina sits up at that and looks over at Ellie worriedly. 

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing, -well nothing new anyway. My side got injured out in Santa Barbara and I went to the clinic to have it looked at by someone who knew what they were doing. Trying to get cleared to work around here. Maria thinks this needs more time to heal though.”, Ellie pouts. 

Ellie’s words hardly put Dina at ease, “Are you going to start up patrols again?”

“No! No! Maria found me work in the woodshop with Corben and Nari. I just got back, I’m not itching to leave town right now. And patrols- I- they sound exhausting right now. I just want to be here Dina”, Ellie says, starting out confidently but ending in a murmur. Ellie’s hand reaches toward Dina, but falters.

“Good” Dina’s hand slides down Ellie’s arm to grasp her hand, squeezing gently. 

“And, um, well, I’ve been staying with Maria, but she’s found this abandoned house not too far from here, more to the west side of town. I’m going to be fixing it up and moving over there eventually.” 

Hearing that Ellie is making plans to stay renews Dina, pushing away doubts, at least for another day. 

Pulling Dina out of her thoughts, Ellie inquires about her last few days. 

“Ugh, farm rotation has been hell, we’ve been replanting the last of crops brought over from the farm.”

Dina pauses, lets that hang in the air, waiting to see how Ellie will react, does she expect to go back to the farm? Taking a leap of faith, Dina continues, “Which got me thinking, I just don’t see myself moving back there. I know it was our dream to be out there, but we were just using it to run from our pain, allowing it to chafe and blister. Being back here in Jackson has helped me see that.”

At Ellie’s silence, squeezing her hand again, Dina prompts her, “Come on, talk to me”. 

“You’re my dream, Dina. Where you go, I go” 

“God, you’re such a sap! And I believe that is my line!”

The conversation, though short, saps them of energy. Dina’s glad just to be talking with her. They move closer to one another, leaning on each other, shoulder to shoulder, and stay cuddled up on the couch for a while longer. 

“It’s getting late, I should head back to Maria’s” Ellie says through a yawn. 

Dina walks Ellie to the door and stands out on the porch, she reaches out to Ellie to stop her from descending the stairs just yet. 

“Come by for dinner again tomorrow or the day after?”, Dina asks quietly.

“Ok, I promised Maria dinner tomorrow, gotta earn my keep somehow, but the following day for sure”

Dina pulls Ellie into a hug, “See you then. Good night Ellie."

“G’nite” Ellie says, walking home with a sleepy but contented smile. 

It’s never easy to watch Ellie walk away, and have faith that she’ll be around tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!  
> I'm elliesjournals.tumblr.com Come say hi!


	4. All I Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie's journal entries from her 2nd week back in Jackson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Text from each journal entry have been added after each image in case the handwriting is difficult to read.

Since all my stuff is still over at the farm,

I had to go to the market to pick up some

new clothes. The ones I came back with are

so threadbare, and are barely holding it

together as it is. My favorite pair of shoes

are particularly bad, the sole is on it’s way

to fully falling off. I can only use duck

tape so many times I guess. Found a

cool new pair though!

Ran into Dina while out,

my face hurts so much from smiling.

Feels like I haven’t smiled this

much in so long, they’re out

of use.

She invited me over

for dinner tonight, I’m so

nervous, elated! UGH!!

I hope I don’t mess this up!

Can’t wait to see JJ again!

Spud, covered in mashed potatoes

~

To have dinner a meal as a family again,

It made my heart ache, how did I ever walk

away from this? So appreciative that Dina is

letting me back in, that we have time to

figure it out.

Dina and I finally sat down to talk,

we seem great in short bursts, these talks

can be so draining,

Hearing that she didn’t want to go back

to the farm. I was at first filled with dread

I thought she was telling me she was

changing her mind about us!

My heart isn’t at the farm, it’s with her and

our son. I’ll follow her anywhere.

I just hope Dina knows that I want to put

in the work, that it’s not too daunting to

try anymore.

I want to do something for her,

but I don’t want to overwhelm her.

Gotta take it slow.

Have I found my place?

Restoring this house won’t recover what we lost

I’ll put the work in anyway

So that maybe someday

This house can be our home

This house, all work would be half-done

You’re its capstone

Incomplete without you.

Met up with Corben and Nari, they showed me

around the woodshop today. Corben works in

the mill, and focuses on making lumber

from raw logs. Nari is the shop’s carpenter

and woodcarver. I’ll be working on a few

woodworking projects that Nari hasn’t had

time for. Mostly cabinets and shelving,

some furniture repairs etc. Corben walked

me through all the tools, not all of

them are unfamiliar. Joel used to carve

wooden figures, maybe I’ll try my hand at

that, get some pointers from Nari

Tried woodcarving for the first time today

This is supposed to be a duck

Need more practice

~

Started working on the roof today, it’s

going to be a long week repairing this.

There’s a significant leak on one side

of the house, the wood’s more rotted

than I thought. I have to take the roof

apart and replace the trusses. Luckily it’s

not the whole roof. 


	5. Don't Carry It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie, Dina and JJ share a tender moment together. 
> 
> However, a triggering event leads Dina and Ellie to talk about past traumas and how they’ve both coped with it, how to better handle it going forward.

The smell of Robin’s cooking wafts through the house as Dina descends the stairs, fresh from a shower, to see Ellie and JJ playing in the living room. From the aroma coming from the kitchen, it smells like Robin’s cooking fried rice with chicken and broccoli for dinner tonight. It was one of Jesse’s favorite comfort foods, which can only mean Robin’s really missing him today. Smiling wistfully, Dina goes over to Robin at the kitchen stove and wraps her in a hug.

“I miss him too”

Ellie’s moved into the kitchen now, holding JJ, and starts setting the table. JJ keeps trying to helpfully grab the plates out of Ellie’s hands, nearly causes her to drop one. Dina smiles, tenderly now, at the sight of it. Ellie’s been coming over for dinner a few times a week now and Dina really enjoys their new routine.

If the squeals of delight coming from JJ as they have dinner are anything to go by, he loves this dish just as much as his father had.

~

“I have an early morning,” Robin says tiredly after dinner, “I think I’ll be heading to bed”.

Ellie’s started to clear the table, once again holding JJ as she walks to the sink.

“Of course, we’ll clean up and get JJ ready for bed, get some rest”, Dina says reassuringly.

As Robin walks up the stairs, Dina walks over to Ellie at the sink.

“Here I’ll take him”

Ellie pauses her valiant attempt at doing dishes single handedly to hand over JJ.

“Come upstairs when you’re done, we’ll put him to bed together”.

Dina walks upstairs and starts a bath, even though she’s already had a shower, JJ is determined she get another one with how much he’s splashing around.

JJ, now swaddled in a towel and drying off from his bath, is happily babbling and wiggling around, trying to break free from his towel prison while Dina gets him ready for bed. She can hear Ellie coming up the stairs.

“Your son is quite the chatter box tonight” Dina says, wrestling her jumping bean into his pajamas.

“Oh, so when he’s acting up he’s _my_ son?”

“Where do you think he learned it from?”

Ellie playfully scoffs and picks up JJ, “What’s that Spud? Want to hang out with your cool mom?” earning her a playful slap from Dina.

“Hey, precious cargo over here!”

Ellie starts to rock JJ back and forth, rubbing her hand up and down his back to calm him down while humming quietly. Dina puts her arms around Ellie’s waist and leans her head against her shoulder and sways with them.

“Whatcha humming over there, it sounds nice”

“Oh it’s- um just a song I’ve just made up for JJ”

“Can you sing it for us?”

Ellie softy starts to sing.

_It’s a long way and winding road_

_to get back home_

_My arms are always open_

_You don’t have to be alone_

_once you find your way_

_With the sun tucked into the horizon_

_Closing out the day_

_All work done_

_Close your eyes, I’ll hold you tight_

_Have a good, long sleep tonight_

The combination of the gently swaying and soft singing have JJ snoring against Ellie. She slowing puts him in his crib and they quietly exit the room, closing the door.

~

The few nights that Ellie’s been over for dinner have always ended with them talking on the couch. The workbook Ellie brought over mentioned that a good way to rebuild trust and open up and get to know one another again is to ask each other questions. So they’ve been slowly playing a game of 20 questions, only asking a few questions each night, some are silly, others are more solemn.

“Ok, so you’re going sailing around the world, what’s the name of your boat?”

“What? There’s no way that’s a thing!”

“It’s totally a thing! In California, there was this ship yard and all the boats had names painted on the side!”

“Weird, hmmm…ok, how about _A Salt Weapon_ , or maybe _Pain In The Boat_ , or _Sea Me Now_. No wait! _Sex Sea_! Dina says wiggling her eyebrows with a wide grin, trying hard not to laugh.

“Your jokes are _keeling_ me” Ellie laughs, wrinkling her nose in faux disgust, “I’ve really created a monster.

“Can you imagine, though, having a boat and seeing the world.”

“The coast along California is gorgeous. Maybe we can plan a trip out there when JJ’s older? Traveling beyond Jackson can be safe if we do it smart, do it together”

“I think I’d like that”, Dina smiles, “Ok, ok, its your turn for a question. What would your superpower be?”

Ellie’s smile dims slightly, “I would want healing powers, I think. Not just to heal myself but others too” she responds as she rubs her right arm almost absentmindedly.

Dina reaches out and squeezes her hand reassuringly, “you’re worth more than what you can give to the world, Ellie”

“I know, it’s just hard to remember sometimes. Being the cure for all humanity had been my sole purpose since I was a kid. It’s been a struggle to find my place. I know Joel always wanted me to have a life outside of that.”

Dina scoots over and completely envelopes Ellie in a hug, they sit in a comfortable silence for a while.

Dina breaks it, “I have to get up early for a clinic shift and it’s getting a bit late”, pulling Ellie up from the couch and leading her by the hand to the front door.

They stand in the threshold, still joined at the hand and smile at one another, getting lost in each other’s gaze. Dina thinks for a moment to lean up and kiss her, but glances down for a moment instead, breaking the spell. Dina looks up again,”Goodnight Ellie”.

~~~

Dina sits at the dining room table, staring off into space. She had poured herself a glass of water, but it sits untouched on the table in front of her. The midday sun is illuminating the kitchen in a warm light, but it’s warmth doesn’t reach Dina.

Dina sits trying to figure out what happened, what went wrong. She had woken up energized, had a good night’s sleep, before dropping off JJ at the daycare center and heading over to the clinic. Now her mind was in a fog, lost out at sea, all sense of direction lost. Dina was having a hard time rationalizing what happened.

She doesn’t hear it at first, but the insistent knock at the door pulls Dina out of her thoughts long enough for her to go see who’s at the door.

Opening the door, she’s relieved to see Ellie, immediately sinking into a hug from her. Ellie guides them inside, closing the door behind them.

Ellie starts rambling, “I went over to the clinic today- I cut my hand at the woodshop when a tool slipped and needed to get it wrapped up. Kimora mentioned that you had been sent home early from your shift after something happened. I was so worried, what’s going on Dina!”

Dina registers that Ellie is speaking to her, but it’s like hearing it from underwater. Instead of answering Dina sinks further into their embrace.

Ellie brushes Dina’s hair behind her ear and tentatively asks again for Dina to talk to her, trying to meet her eyes, but Dina’s eyes are downcast and blank.

After a moment, it seems like Ellie’s question registers with Dina, “The clinic is usually a quiet shift, only handling minor bumps and scraps. I-“, Dina cuts herself off, “I think I just need to lay down for a little while” Dina pulls out of the hug and starts for the stairs.

Ellie stands at the bottom of the stairs, playing with her fingers, looking uncertain, “Ok. I’ll-“ Whatever Ellie was going to say is cut off by the closing of Dina’s bedroom door.

~

A few hours later, Dina wakes up from her nap, not feeling as refreshed as she’d like. In fact, she feels more drained than before. She walks downstairs, Ellie and JJ are once again playing in the living room. Dina is overcome with guilt and shame for having forgotten to pick him up from daycare.

Ellie picks up JJ and walks over to Dina and pulls her into a family group hug. Dina quietly weeps. Robin, who had been in the kitchen prepping a dinner of roasted chicken and rice, soon joins in on the hug.

Dinner is a quiet affair.

Robin takes JJ after dinner and goes upstairs, leaving Ellie and Dina in the kitchen. Ellie quickly clears the table, leaving the dishes for another time.

Dina didn’t realize she had just been staring off into space, lost in thought again, until Ellie squeezed her hand and guides her up and out of her seat and towards the couch. Ellie puts her arm around Dina as they sit close to each other on the couch, tucked into each other’s side.

Ellie soothingly rubs her hand up and down Dina’s arm.

“I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”

Dina clenches Ellie’s shirt in her fist, making sure that, yes, Ellie is actually here.

Like her head is breaking the surface of a pool of water, Dina’s hearing comes into focus.

“You don’t have to hide your pain from me, Dina. I know you’re struggling too. I’m sorry I was so blinded by my own pain to not see it before. I’m here for you, I want to share the load. You don’t have to carry this alone. Don’t make yourself small for my sake, something is clearly hurting you. We can get through whatever it is together.”

“At the clinic, “ Dina starts slowly, her voice unsteady and hoarse from disuse, “a guy came in, his horse had gotten spooked, ran him straight into a low hanging branch. He had blood pouring down his face.” Dina pauses, taking a shuttering breath, “all I saw the moment he came in was your face back in Seattle. It was like I was there all over again, it came out of nowhere! It was like Abby was there in the clinic, I could hear it, her beating your face in. Everything narrowed down to that, I can’t believe I froze like that. I was completely useless!!”

Dina gets lost in the memory, and soon she’s gasping for air.

Ellie presses a hand over Dina’s chest, “Concentrate on your breathing, stay in the present. You’re here in Jackson, safe in Robin’s house.”

Dina takes several deep breaths.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so out of it today”

“There’s no need to apologize. I’m not mad, just worried”

“I don’t know if I can work at the clinic again, I mean I’ve had a few shifts there already, but if this happens every time there’s a real emergency I don’t think they need me around. I don’t want to be burden to them.”

“I was stupid for ever calling you a burden, you are anything but. A wise person once said that you’re worth more than what you can give to the world.”

Dina scoffs.

“Hey, I can’t help that you give great advice” Ellie says with a small smile.

“I’m sorry I was so dismissive, about your pain when we were back on the farm”, Ellie continues, “I know Seattle was just as hard for you, I’m sorry you felt you had to hide it. I’m sorry that I didn’t make more of an effort to talk about things. Joel was never really big on talking things out, ‘things happen, we move on’ he’d say. That just lets things chafe until you’re raw and are left with nothing to heal you. There’s so much I want to tell you Dina, so much I want to hear from you. I want to know all of you and I want you to know all of me. No more hiding.”

“Okay, talk your ear off, got it”, sassy Dina was back, that was a good sign.

“You used to talk about Eugene and fixing up electronics, why don’t you pursue that?”

“Yeah, maybe. So, got any questions for me tonight?”, Dina asks.

“We don’t have to do that tonight, you’ve had a long day”

“No, no, I want to, it’s important.”

“Ok, um, what’s your favorite animal?”

As they talk, Dina, exhaustion catching up with her, slowly drifts off to sleep on the couch, only groggily waking up when she feels herself being carried up the stairs by Ellie.

Ellie places Dina gently on her bed.

Dina, still half asleep, “Hey”

“Shh, go back to sleep”, Ellie hushes as she tucks a strand of hair behind Dina’s ear, “I’ll see you at dinner tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah, just stay with me til I fall asleep again?” Dina appeals with a tired murmur.

“Ok” Ellie whispers, stroking Dina’s cheek, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Eyes heavy and already on the verge of sleep, eye drooping further with each gentle stroke of her cheek, Dina easily falls back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must've rewritten this chapter 8 times. 
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy this rather bittersweet update! Let me know what you think!


	6. Staying Afloat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie's journal entries from another week back in Jackson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The text from each journal entry after each image just in case the handwriting is difficult to read.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had to put the Potato to bed, really missed these quiet moments with him and Dina.

To hold him while being held by Dina, gently swaying to a tune all our own, it made my bones ache with longing

Longing for more

We’re making so much progress

I feel so undeserving

Resting after a rough day and a long talk

Anguish of - grief

of time lost

Of touches lost

Distance carelessly gained

Distress unwittingly inflicted

Clumsy in remorse

Trying anything, intending everything

How to stay afloat in this sea of sorrow?

\- Worn and coarse

Now smoothed over

Correcting course

Apologies thought, never spoken

Never could heal what I’ve broken

Said aloud, laid bare -

Healing taking root 

Yet to bloom, but nurtured still

Not words alone, acted too

Though no performance

All sincerely meant

Stripped bare to its foundation

Us asunder

Rebuilding anew

To give all to you

Practiced carving again

Why are dogs so hard?

Almost accidentally took the tail off!

It’s been a long couple of days replacing the trusses on the roof.

Felling like my skin was just starting to finally healing from the California sun

Being out up on the roof did nothing to help

Dina stopped by to invite me over for dinner again

I’m glad to be spending most nights over there with them now.

Definitely **did not** almost fall off the roof in excitement

~~

With the roof finished up, Nari has been helping me out with furniture repair

The dining table was missing a leg, the other 3 were broken

Some kitchen cabinets were off their hinges

And one of the side rails on the bed is broken

Helps that this is what we do in the woodshop most days anyway, I’m getting the hang of it

A few months back, while we were out on the farm, patrols found an

old abandoned vineyard and winery from the old world not too far from Jackson.

Most of the wine had already been looted, but Ian, a friend of Corben’s, was trying

his hand at making wine. I traded a patio chair for a bottle from his first

batch, told him I’d be his guinea pig and let him know what I think of them.

I’ll probably save it for a special occasion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been feeling a little burnt out at work lately, but I was able to get this finished this weekend! I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Thanks for reading, let me know what you think!


	7. In The Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy returns to Jackson. Dina worries he’s here to drive Ellie away again, to guilt her into another revenge quest. She’s ready to fight before letting that happen again.

The late morning sun filters into Robin’s kitchen as Dina sits at the dining table with JJ in her lap. Neither Dina nor Ellie have work today, so they had decided to meet up for a late breakfast before heading to the playground to spend the day with JJ. Dina’s grateful to have the morning to sleep in a little. Still in their pajamas, Dina and JJ sleepily trudge downstairs to answer the door and greet Ellie before walking towards the kitchen. Ellie, however, has other ideas. She quickly shoos Dina away and, having commandeered the kitchen, is currently cooking at the stove. 

Ellie places a stack of pancakes and a bowl of fresh berries on the table and turns to retrieve the rest of the food. JJ, testing his mother’s reflexes, nearly knocks the bowl off the table as Dina hastily moves it out fo his reach. Dina places JJ in his highchair and goes to set the table as Ellie returns with a plate of fried eggs, sausages and a few rashers of bacon and a jar of honey. 

As Dina cuts up a pancake for JJ, Ellie serves Dina a plate of pancakes drizzled with honey and topped with berries before helping herself to the bacon and eggs. 

“Thanks babe”, Dina says through a yawn. 

Dina slowly becomes more awake and energized as she tucks into breakfast.

“I was wondering if you’d want to come over to my new place tonight, you know, um, like a date?”, Ellie nervously asks between bites. 

“Oh, will we be stargazing from the living room?”

“Hey! I finished up the roof the other day!”

“Yeah, that sounds good! Robin will be home to watch JJ”, Dina says with a grin.

“Perfect! I’ve moved all my stuff there over from Maria’s too, not that I had a whole lot to move. I’ve been working on fixing up the furniture now that the roof’s done. There’s still a lot of work to do, but at least it’s now livable. Nari’s really been helping out.”

“How are things at the woodshop going?”

“I’m getting the hang of it, after that first tool accident it’s gotten much easier. I’ve taken up wood carving too.”

JJ, now finished eating, starts to impatiently squirm in his seat. Dina picks him up and walks him over to his toys in the living room before returning to the kitchen.

“Wasn’t Joel into woodcarving as well?” Dina asked tentatively, unsure how sore a subject Joel still was. 

“Yeah, and I can see its appeal, it can be really calming when it’s not frustrating. I like how challenging it is. What’s work looking like for you this week?”

“Well, I’ll be helping out with farm rotation again. It’s getting to be harvest season for a few different crops, so I’ll be bringing in the broccoli this week.”

“You know with my place coming slowly together, I could start watching JJ, if you’d like. I’d really like to help out. Maria and I even found a baby crib in my new house. Just wanted to throw the idea out there, you don’t just have to rely on Robin anymore.”

“I’ll think about it. I’m going to take him upstairs and get ready for the park, we shouldn’t be long.”

~

From her place on the swings, Dina watches as Ellie and JJ play. Ellie is crouched in front of JJ, holding his tiny hands to support him as he tries to find his balance and walk. Ellie lets go of his hands to hold out her arms ready to catch him when he falls. JJ takes two steps on his own before falling into Ellie’s arms. She swoops him up and swings him around, making him laugh. Dina smiles, eyes glistening, as she looks at the two goofballs spin themselves dizzy. She’s so thankful that Ellie is here to share these moments with her, she doesn’t want to think about her missing out on his first steps, first words, first anythings. They’re lost in their own little world, but the moment is undercut with a clearing of a throat near by. 

Dina and Ellie both turn toward noise. 

“Tommy”, Dina startles with shock and contempt in her voice, her expression quickly hardening.

Tommy stands at the gates of the playground. Dina only sees red as she moves to stand between him and her family. Dina’s already lost Ellie once because of pressure from Tommy, she’s not about to let it happen again, not without a fight. Dina hastily advances on Tommy, not giving him a chance to speak, not wanting to risk it, “What the fuck are you doing here?! We’ve been through enough, what did you not understand, we are done!” Dina’s voice is sharp, but a deep set fear causes it to waver slightly. 

Dina jerks back in surprise when she feels a hand on her shoulder, and looks up at Ellie, who has come to try and get in between Dina and Tommy. JJ mirrors her and puts his hand on Dina’s other shoulder and starts babbling, she’d find it cute if she wasn’t so agitated.

“Actually, I asked him to come”, Ellie tells her.

“…What?”, Dina’s overwhelmed with surprise and dismay. It feels like the rug has been pulled out from under her and a prickly numbness sets in as she takes this in, struggling to understand. Her mind is racing and scattered, the adrenaline pumping through her does nothing to help clear her mind. She feels like she missed a step, some key information. Doubt is creeping back in, has Ellie changed her mind? But just this morning she was talking about her new house? Dina feels like she’s waiting for the inevitable, looking for any sign that Ellie plans on leaving again. Did she miss these signs again. Something isn’t adding up.

“I’m going to go have lunch and talk with Tommy, I’ll see you later, yeah?” Ellie says handing over JJ. 

Dina takes JJ and silently nods and feels a kiss pressed to her forehead. She watches, slightly dazed now with an impending sense of dread, as Ellie and Tommy walk off. 

~

Lost in thought on the walk back to Robin’s, Dina jumps slightly, caught off guard by Travis, a man she used to go on a few patrols with before Seattle, coming up to greet her.

“Hey Dina! Maria said that you were looking for electronics to work on. We found these yesterday on a patrol. Maria wants you to see if you can get them up and working for the watch towers”, Travis says, handing Dina a large satchel.

She adjusts JJ in her arms to take the bag, sling the strap over her shoulder and look inside. There’s a couple of old compact radios and a few walkie talkies in the bag.

“Thanks Travis, I’ll take a look at these” Dina says and waves Travis goodbye.

Back at Robin’s, Dina’s preparing a lunch of peas and chicken for JJ; the dread sitting like a rock in her stomach serves as hers. She puts JJ down for a nap after his lunch and before bringing out the radios on the dining table. Dina’s glad to have run into Travis, to have a distraction, not wanting to dwell on what Ellie and Tommy are talking about and what it could mean.

A couple of hours have past, and it’s now the early afternoon. The radios did a great job at distracting her, allowing her to get lost in thought, not realizing how much time had past. At a knock at the front door, Dina looks up fro her work. 

Ellie opens the door and peaks her head in, “Dina?” 

Dina rises and walks to the entry way to meet Ellie. 

Ellie comes fully into the house now, her shoulders are hunched and eyes downcast as she scratches the back of her head nervously. 

“Sorry for leaving so abruptly with Tommy earlier, I should’ve told you that I wrote to him a few weeks ago when I first arrived. I know we didn’t leave things well with him back on the farm. I wasn’t expecting to run into him today.”

“I know he’s family but I can’t ignore the pain he’s put us through, he had no right to pressure you to go after Abby! We had been trying to move on! I don’t know if I’m ready to let that man into our lives again.”

“He’s not the sole reason for why we fell apart, that’s on me too. I was holding on by a thread on the farm, Dina, he didn’t do much to break it. I could’ve tried harder sooner- but we can talk about ‘what ifs’ all day, but it won’t change what happened. We just need to find a way to learn from it and move on.” 

“Just tell me you’re not leaving again”, Dina hands clutching to Ellie’s shoulders, fear creeping into her voice. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Ellie affirms, resting her hands on Dina’s waist and resting her forehead against Dina’s, “Are we still on for tonight?”

Dina sniffs and squeezes her grip on Ellie’s shoulder pulling her ever closer, “Yeah, we’re still on.”

“Ok, I just wanted to check in, I’m going to go get my place ready for tonight. I’ll see you soon” 

~

As Dina walks up the porch steps to Ellie’s new house she tries to shake off the uneasy feeling from their morning’s tense run-in with Tommy. It’s not her first visit, though she’s never been inside. She’s only seen Ellie up on the roof. The setting sun hits the fading light yellow paint in such a way that it appears to glow. She barely raises her hand to knock before the door is opening, Ellie must’ve seen her walking up. 

“Hey! Come on in!”, Ellie says with a wide grin gesturing behind her. The house opens into the living room. “Just finished setting everything up. I’m still working on the dining table, it has three legs and all of them are broken. So I thought we could have a picnic in the living room. I also found a bunch of board games in the attic if you’d like to play, you can take your pick!”

The room is aglow with soft twinkling light from string lights strung up through out the room. The soft light creating an enchanting atmosphere. Dina can tell Ellie worked hard to put this together. 

“It looks amazing!!”, Dina says with a more subdued smile, pulling Ellie into a hug, wrapping her arms around her waist, and resting her head on her shoulder. The familiarity of being with Ellie, the joy of spending time with her is strained not only from their morning at the playground, but also from the weight of trying again hanging over them.

“Hey Ellie, I’m sorry I lost my temper at the park earlier about Tommy being here, I know - I trust you when you say you’re here to stay. I just can’t lose you again. ”

“Hey, love takes time, and it takes work. We knew that it would take time to rebuild us, that it wouldn’t be overnight. This doesn’t set us back or erase all our progress. We’re here to work through our fears together.”, Ellie says giving Dina’s hand reassuring squeeze. 

“Thanks. You read that in that book of yours?”

“Maybe”, Ellie grins. 

“So, chef, what have you prepared for dinner this evening?” Dina teases as she goes to sit on the cozy looking blanket by the couch, leaning her back against it. 

Ellie takes a seat across from her. “These are for you.”, Ellie hands her pink and yellow tulips. 

“Aw, Ellie you’re so sweet!”, Dina buries her nose in the flowers, enjoying their scent before placing them next to her, “Is that a new guitar?”

“Yeah, there was so much stuff left abandoned in the attic. I have to find new strings for it though.”

“So, I picked up a few things from town for dinner tonight”, Ellie continues, “so on the menu tonight we have: turkey and provolone sandwiches, with a side of potato chips served with a glass of wine and for dessert we have fruit tarts or apples with honey. I remembered you said Talia used to give that to you as a special treat when you were kids.”

“I can’t believe you remembered that.”

“Not everything goes in one ear and out the other, you know.”

“Psh, I’d like to get that in writing” Dina says taking one of the sandwiches, “Where’d you get the wine?”

“It’s from Ian’s first batch since they found that vineyard a while back.” 

“He suckered you into trying his first batch?”

“Just doing my civic duty.”, Ellie says solemnly, though its undermined by her grin. 

“Yeah, sure, I’m sure that’s it” Dina takes the bottle from Ellie and pours them both a glass. 

“Cheers!” They clink their wine glasses together before trying a sip. 

“Wow that’s sweeter that I though it’d be, not bad” Dina laughs when she looks up to see the puckered look of distaste on Ellie’s face, “Not really your thing?”

“Nope, it tastes a bit sour to me” setting the wine aside. 

“Aw, poor baby”, Dina says rubbing Ellie’s arm, “what games did you find in the attic? Anything good?”

“Let’s see, there’s Scrabble, Uno, Clue, The Game of Life, and Jenga. Any of them sound interesting to you?”

“Wow, I haven’t heard of a few of these, let’s go with Uno.”

“As you wish”, Ellie says taking the cards out of the pack and begins dealing them out. 

There’s a small awkward silence that falls as they look through their cards and start quietly playing. 

Trying to break the ice, Ellie picks up their 20 questions routine where they left off, “So, what’s your favorite place you’ve traveled to?” 

“Hmm”, Dina pauses to think, “probably back when Talia and I were traveling up from New Mexico and trying to navigate through the Red Mountain Pass in Colorado on our way north. The views were spectacular! That’s where we ran into a group that told us about Jackson. Talia thought it sounded too good to be true at first, but it gave us hope,” Dina says while surveying her cards and putting down a skip card and a green three.

“Oh that’s how it’s going to go huh?”, Ellie says with faux annoyance.

“I play to win babe!”

“Then you really deserve this”, Ellie says placing down a draw two card with a smirk. 

“Unbelievable! I can’t believe you’d do that to me!”, Dina exclaims, picking up two cards from the deck, “Alright, your turn for a question, would you rather live in the ocean or on the moon?”

“Easy, I’d go to the moon!”

“To live there though? You’d be eating moon rocks for the rest of you life!”

“Worth it! I’ve always wanted to go to space! Did I tell you about when Joel took me to the science museum for my birthday a few years ago?”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t stop talking about it when you got back.” 

“I still have the tape Joel gave me, I’d love to take JJ out there when he’s older. I wonder if he’ll be interested in space?”

“He’s your son, of course he’s going to be a nerd like you.” 

“Uno!”

“Wait what? Already?”, lost in their conversation, Dina hadn’t been paying much attention to how many cards Ellie had left. 

“Chose your next card wisely!”

Dina glances down at her hand, weighing her options and places down a wild card, “Blue.”

“Big mistake, my dear” Ellie’s declares with a triumphant smile, placing down a blue eight. 

“Ugh! Ok, ok, best two out of three!” 

“Alright, you’re on!” 

~

They’re on their third game now. Dina had won the second round, but it had been close. 

“Red” Ellie says grinning, placing down a wild card and picking up a few potato chips to munch on. 

Dina is looking down at her hand and shuffles through them in frustration, how can she have half the deck in her hand and not a single red. 

“Dammit” Dina mutters, ignoring Ellie’s smug smirk and picks up three more cards before getting a red six and placing it in the pile. 

“Dina, I hope you know that I love you and I hope you can forgive me.” Ellie says sitting up about to place a card, “Draw four, draw four, red skip, yellow skip again, uno! yellow 3!”

Dina sits back, month hanging open in shock, “You traitor!!” Dina leans forward to smack Ellie lightly on the arm.

“Please accept the last raspberry fruit tart as a token of my apology.” 

“It’s a start”, Dina grumbles taking a bite of the tart. 

“So, out of ten, how’d I do? How would you rate this date?”

Shaking her head, huffing a laugh, “ I’d give it a six”, Dina says with a grin. 

“Really?! Cuz I’d give it a 10! The food, the ambiance, the company, all 10/10!”

“I think you’re a little biased there, babe. You’re only saying that because you won the game!”

“Ok, well then, what’s something you’d rate a 10/10?”

A snarky reply is on the tip of her tongue, but as she takes in Ellie’s soft expression glowing in the low light of the string lights around them, it’s like time slows down and she loses her train of thought. The previous events of the day, her worry, all are far from her mind in that moment. She looks into her eyes, and gets lost in them for a moment before glancing down at her lips. She doesn’t know when she became so close. Had she leaned in? Had Ellie? 

As their noses touch in a gentle bunny kiss Dina whispers, “This”, before closing the gap and brushing her lips against Ellie’s in a soft kiss. 

Lost in the feeling of how soft her lips feel against hers, Dina cups Ellie’s cheek, pulling her closer. Her heart quickly racing. Dina moans as Ellie wraps her arm around her waist and pulls her in, burying her other hand in her hair, the kiss quickly becomes passionate and intense. Everything falls away, as if nothing else exists, there is only them in this moment. It was better than a dream, to be back in her arms, to feel again that this is the safest place she could ever be. 

Coming up for air, Dina rests her forehead against Ellie’s, and grips Ellie’s shoulders trying to catch her breath. They stay in each other’s space a while longer, taking deep breaths, trying to reorient themselves after a dizzying kiss. 

“It’s getting late, I should head back” Dina, beaming, leans forward to give Ellie another quick kiss before standing up and taking the flowers with her to the door. 

They linger in the doorway, somewhat awkwardly now. Dina doesn’t regret the kiss, but she’s not sure were it leaves them. Ellie brushes her fingers against Dina’s hand before taking it and intertwining their fingers. She kisses Dina’s temple before resting their foreheads together and pulling her into tight hug. 

After a moment, Dina pulls out of the hug, brings her hand up to Ellie’s cheek, “I had a great time tonight, El.” 

Ellie grins, “Me too”, looking down suddenly bashful. 

Dina leans forward, bringing Ellie’s chin up to kiss her again, “Good night Ellie.” 

Dina brings the flowers Ellie gave her up to her nose to hide her own shy grin and waves goodbye to Ellie as she walks home.


	8. Shake the Foundations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie's journals from her 4th week back in Jackson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Text from each journal entry have been added after each image in case the handwriting is difficult to read.

Arrival about as subtle as an earthquake rolling in, testing the newly laid foundations, concrete barely set

I should’ve mentioned to Dina that I had reached out to him, I figured she’d be angry seeing him again after everything. After 2 weeks not hearing anything from Tommy, I put that letter I wrote to him out of my mind, didn’t think I’d hear from him anytime soon, if at all. 

Not sure if I should’ve left Dina and JJ at the playground, she seemed really zoned out when I left, she couldn’t look me in the eye. We had plans to see each other tonight, I hope I didn’t ruin that. I promised myself that I’d get better at telling her everything, I can’t believe I let this slip my mind. Hopefully I can make it up to her tonight.

I was really worried about Tommy’s reaction, but I figured that he wouldn’t be in town just to goad me into leaving after Abby again, if only because Maria wouldn’t let him through the gates if he was here to kick up shit.

We had a long talk at the Tipsy Bison, sharing a pot of coffee between us. I still can’t stand the stuff, but it reminds me of Joel, helps me feel closer to him.

Tommy talked about how he always thought of Jackson as a place of second chances, a way to make things better through hard work, but their past had caught up to them, and they had to pay for it in blood. Giving people the benefit of the doubt had cost him, he felt so naive and guilty. Maybe he had been the one to lead Joel astray. Maybe his brother had known best, that this world was violent and only knew violence, blood its only currency. So he leaned into it, slipping into Joel’s old ways of doing things.

When he and Maria split, he felt he needed to move out over to the dam. Jackson was founded on a philosophy of being a less violent community, he felt had no place in it anymore. His optimism was lost when Joel had been beaten out of existence. It wasn’t furnished for a long term stay, but that was easily remedied. He didn’t want to leave completely, didn’t want to stay, the walls of the town had become suffocating.

Sounds like how I felt being on the farm.

He says he’s still not right from it, don’t think any of us are yet, not completely. But we work on it a little every day.

I hope he finds his way back to the light.

He’s only in town for today, a short supply run, he felt he needed to reply to my letter in person. After he had cooled down that is. Letting go of Abby was a bitter pill he still has trouble swallowing.

He’ll be out at the dam, not sure if he’ll return to live in the settlement. I told him to talk to Maria, but he seemed really reluctant.

Will I pay for who I’ve been?

Has the cycle of blood and bone broken?

Have I diverted from that path in time?

Or does a 9 iron await me?

How many second chances can Jackson give me?

Or have I already I run out when I ran out?

There’s still time to plant seeds and watch them grown, but what will we reap? Did we pay much attention to what we sowed?

This has been such a roller coaster of a day

I feel so elated!!! Like I’m floating!

I don’t want to jump to any conclusions though, I know Dina has wanted us to take things slow,

But wow that kiss was electric

After the morning scare with Tommy, I’m not sure where this leaves us

Putting more work into the house, finishing up the furniture projects then all that’s left is to work on the sink.

The U shaped trap pipe, supply value and tubes of the kitchen sink are all very corroded. The trap pipe and supply tubes had been easy enough to trade for at the market.I’ve looked everywhere in town for a replacement supply value but not able to find anything. Without a working value I can’t get water to the sink.

I had today off so Dina dropped off JJ for me to watch over while she “brought home the broccoli”

He’s been trying to walk all over the place, staying on his feet for longer and longer stretches. Soon Dina and I won’t be able to keep up with him. Today he was babbling away waving Ollie around, it’s only a matter of time before he starts talking. Then we’ll be teaching him to hunt, maybe teach him how to play guitar. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but it feels like time is flying by, he’s growing up so fast!

~

I tried talking to JJ about Joel for the first time today. I put on a record, Little Earthquakes, and let him play with the wooden animal figures I’ve carving while I told him about Joel and how much better he was are woodwork than I am. It was stilted and hard to talk through the tears, but it’s a start.

After dinner I put on a movie to watch with the spud.

Maybe we’ll invite Dina to the next movie night

Still no luck finding the parts I need for the kitchen. I spoke with Maria about patrol supply runs, but she says they’re down a few, either to illness or injury, so if I want the part I’ll have to go out and scavenge myself. Not the most ideal plan, but it makes sense to not make others look for a part I need.

The next patrol leaves in a day. I’ll talk with Dina about it, she’s not going to be thrilled, but it’s only a short trip outside town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was being difficult to write for some reason, but here it finally is! I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Little Earthquakes is an album by Tori Amos, I recommend the song "Winter" from that album! it's one of my favorites!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	9. Is She With You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie arrives at Robin’s to let Dina know that she needs to leave town to go on a supply run, it doesn’t go as smoothly as Ellie had hoped. Will Ellie ever learn? Can they be on the same page for once?

It’s a chilly morning, fall weather is starting to set in around Jackson. Dina has JJ bundled up in a warm jacket as they walk to the daycare center. JJ is babbling away at her and Dina talks back encouragingly towards him, “Oh, is that so JJ?…that’s an excellent point, I hadn’t thought of that”

Half way through their morning walk to daycare, Dina smiles and waves as she comes across Maria.

“JJ look who it is, can you say ‘Hi Maria’?”

JJ looks at Maria and blows her a raspberry.

“Well it’s good to see you too JJ”, Maria says affectionately tussling his hair before turning to Dina, “I’ve been meaning to catch you to ask you about those tripwire mines you mentioned you found in Seattle. It’d be great to get a few of those out in the mountains before the first snow. Try and thin out the hordes. Do you think you could scout and wire a few traps?”

“I would need to talk with Ellie about it first.”

“Of course. How are things with Ellie by the way?”

“Things are going well, we’ve come so far since Ellie first came back, we’re taking it slow.”

“That girl thinks the world of you, I don’t think there’s anything she wouldn’t do for you.”

Dina smile turns tight, a flare of resentment overtakes her for just a moment, _she could’ve stayed_ , she thinks. She shakes the intrusive thought away quickly, she knows Ellie’s working hard.

“I know, she’s sweet and we’ve really rebuilt our relationship, it just feels like we have so far to go..sorry I don’t mean to talk your ear off about this.”

“You can always come to me to talk Dina, you’re family.”

“Thanks. Well, I gotta get this little guy over to the daycare center, I’ll see you around Maria”

~~~

Back from dropping JJ off, Dina is at the kitchen sink cleaning up from their breakfast, once again lost in thought. Her conversation with Maria has her reflecting on her relationship with Ellie.

Ellie has been back in Jackson a month, she’s put in so much work, in communicating, in reassuring her that she’s here to stay. They’ve gotten so much better at talking through things now. But all of their progress has been plagued by doubt, resentment a looming shadow. Doubt clouds her mind and it isn’t always easy to shake off the bitterness of Ellie leaving. Why is she still holding onto that anger? What can she do to let that go, to truly move past that time in their life?

A knock on the door draws her out of her thoughts, and she feels a sense of déjà vu as she goes to answer the door.

“Ellie..”, Dina trails off, smile dropping into open mouthed shock as she takes in the sight of Ellie with her pack on, looking like she’s about to leave town. Panic sets in and overtakes Dina, and she slams the door in Ellie’s face, as if not seeing Ellie would undo her arrival on the porch and the very real possibility of her departure from Jackson.

Tears blur her vision as she stands in the entry way in shock. Her mind is racing. She knew, she fucking knew Tommy had been bad news. He must’ve said something when he was here and the guilt is overwhelming her again. Dina barely registers the knocking on the front door, growing more insistent with each passing moment.

She hears Ellie frantically telling her though the door, ”Dina it’s not what you think-“

Dina rips open the door again, “so you aren’t fixing to leave town right now?”

“…well, actually-”

The door gets slammed shut again.

“Dina- Dina, please open the door so I can explain!…I guess I’ll say this through the door…I need a part for the house! I came by to tell you I need to go on a supply run for it! I talked with Maria, there aren’t enough people available to go in my place to get it. I’ll be back, I’m not leaving!! Please, please open the door! I- I won’t go! The part can wait! If you ask me to stay, I’ll stay!”

Dina takes several deep breaths and leans her back against the door for support. She pinches the bridge of her nose as she feels a headache coming on, trying to calm herself and stop crying.

Opening the door, Dina glares at Ellie with red eyes and tearstained cheeks and pulls her inside the house.

“Dammit Ellie! After Tommy coming into town I thought you’d be better at telling me things!”

“I was coming over to tell you-“

“No! You already had made up your mind! You can’t just make decisions on your own like this! Not when they effect me or JJ! You need to talk with me about these things! Before acting! We are a team!”

Ellie pauses, “Ok, I’m sorry. I- you’re right.”

“I know, when am I not?”

“Do you want me to stay? I’ll stay if you ask me.”

Dina pulls away to collect her thoughts before turning back to look into Ellie’s eyes, and holds her gaze for a few moments, “No, I- I need to be better about trusting you. I’m working on shaking these intrusive doubtful and resenting thoughts. I want us to move past this. I want you to get what you need for the house. And I trust that you’ll come back. How long will you be gone for?”

“I’ll be back by tonight, just searching areas nearby. Remember that small neighborhood by the creek trails, I’ll be in that area.”

“Okay, can you let me know when you’re back?”

“Of course”, Ellie says pulling Dina in for a hug and kissing her on the forehead, “I’ll come by when I’m back, though it’ll probably be late.”

“I’ll save you a plate.”

They break from their embrace and Ellie turns to leave. Dina watches Ellie’s retreating back until she loses sight of her, dread setting in for the rest of the day.

~~~

As the hours pass, the dread settling in the pit of her stomach slowly turns into antipathy. She hates this, has always hated this. Always left here waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting for Ellie after she ran away to Salt Lake when they were teens, in the theater in Seattle, during her hunting trips on the farm, when she left for Santa Barbara. Never knowing for sure that she’d return. She knew this anger, at its heart, was just fear rearing its head, making itself know. Dina was terrified of losing Ellie, and she felt helpless in the face of it. Dina took a deep breath and reminded herself to trust Ellie. They had made so much progress, Ellie deserved her trust. Dina knew she was capable of handling herself, but the worry in her gut wouldn’t listen to reason.

~~~

Dinner passes in a haze, Dina’s struggling to remain present for JJ. She feels guilty for this taking over so easily, how much power it has over her. JJ seems to sense that something is off, he’s been fussy since coming home from daycare.

It had taken awhile, but JJ was finally in bed asleep. Robin kept her company for a little bit before she retired for the night. Dina sat in the living room, pulling a book off the shelf to distract herself with, anything to take her mind off the clock. Ellie did say she’d likely be back late, but with every tick of the clock on the wall, her worry deepened.

It’s nearing ten past ten when the thud of boots on the porch steps pulls Dina’s attention away from her book. She tosses it aside and heads to the door, opening it to find Ellie reaching up about to knock.

Dina pulls Ellie in for a hug, lingering in the embrace, before pulling her towards the kitchen.

“Were you able to find what you were looking for?” Dina asks, placing her dinner on the table surveying Ellie, checking rather unsubtly for any injuries, relieved to not find any.

“Luckily yeah, had to search nearly every house to find the right part”, Ellie replies between bites.

“I ran into Maria earlier, she wants me working on establishing mines in the mountain passes before winter sets in. It would probably take me outside town for long stretches though. We’d need to scout locations and plant the traps.”

“I think that’s a great idea, let me know how I can help. Those mines were super effective, and loud. They could serve to warn our patrols where infected are. I know you’re not a fan of going outside of Jackson.”

“I just worry about JJ, I’ve never been away longer than a few hours from him. You’d probably need to watch him when I’m out of town.”

“You know I would love doing that, you’d miss our movie nights though. I guess that’ll just have to be JJ and I’s thing for a while. He mentioned to me that he wanted to invite you to our next one by the way.”

“Did he now? Well, unfortunately he’ll need to take a rain check. I could use some help in building bombs, you learned how to make several improvised explosives in Seattle.”

“I still have all those books I found in Seattle, I can give them to you.”

Ellie brings her plate to the sink. Dina follows and wraps her arms around her while Ellie quickly washes it off and places the dish aside to dry. Ellie then turns in Dina arms to pull her closer. Dina rests her head against her shoulder, nose against Ellie’s neck and takes a deep breath. She feels calmer now than she has all day.

“I-I just wanted to tell you again that I’m sorry for not telling you before making a decision.”

“We’ve gotten better at talking ourselves through arguments, I’m trying to get better at not jumping to the worst conclusions. I do trust you Ellie.”

A piercing cry from JJ’s room interrupts their talk.

“He’s been fussy all day, I’m not surprised that he hasn’t slept through the night.”

“Well, let’s go check on our Spud”, Ellie says taking Dina’s hand and leading her up the stairs, “I’ve missed him while I was out of town. I may have found a new movie for us to watch while out on patrol.”

“Oh? I’m sure he’ll love that, which movie did you find?”

“Something called Lion King.”

“Whats that one about?”

Ellie shrugs as she opens the door to JJ’s room, “what's the matter my Potato?”

Dina picks him up out of his crib and he reaches out for Ellie, “Yup, knew it! He missed his mommy so much today.”

“Aw is that true JJ? You miss me?”

Ellie rocks JJ back and forth, singing his lullaby to him and, before long, he’s back asleep.

“I should be getting home, it’s late, I’ve kept you up long enough”, Ellie whispers as she walks out of JJ’s room quietly closing the door, “thank you for dinner.”

Dina stops her with a hand on her arm and pulls Ellie close again. Ellie reaches up to gently stroke her cheek, Dina leans into her touch.

“What is it?”

Dina’s grip on Ellie tightens, “Stay. Please.”, she looks pleadingly into Ellie’s eyes.

So many words go unspoken between them as they hold each other’s gaze.

“Ok, I’ll stay.”

Dina leads Ellie to her room. They quickly change and get ready for bed, Ellie borrowing some of Dina’s clothes. Ellie sleeps next to Dina for the first time since that night she left. Dina turns Ellie’s face to look at her and kisses her before snuggling in next to her, arm draped over her waist. She holds her the entire night. And in the morning, Ellie is still there, lightly snoring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may know her as Ellie, but Dina knows her as Ms. Communication. 
> 
> Lion King is my favorite Disney movie! Do y’all have any thoughts on which Disney movies Ellie and Dina would love? 
> 
> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this one!


	10. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie’s journals from her 5th week back in Jackson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Text from each journal entry have been added after each image in case the handwriting is difficult to read.

Still no luck finding the parts I need for the kitchen. I spoke with Maria about patrol supply runs, but she says they’re down a few, either to illness or injury, so if I want the part I’ll have to go out and scavenge myself. Not the most ideal plan, but it makes sense to not make others look for a part I need.

The next patrol leaves in a day. I’ll talk with Dina about it, she’s not going to be thrilled, but it’s only a short trip outside town.

~

Note to self: talk with Dina BEFORE making decisions and showing up at her door to tell her you need to leave town.

Having the door slammed in my face twice, I thought I was gonna get the boot for sure. We’ll see how things go when I get back, but I feel like we left things better that when I had left the park with Tommy, I think we’re on the same page this time. ~~Unless this was some kind of test and I should stay.~~ No Dina wouldn’t do something like that.

Trust needs to go both ways.

~

The moment I stepped outside the gates I felt this intense raw ache, immediately wanted to be back home with my potato and Dina.

~

There’s a certain level of muscle memory to patrol, my patrol partners are reliable. We’re just going through the motions, too on alert to talk much. So far we haven’t encountered more than a stray runner or two.

Maria gave us a list of things to look for while out here. Winter is on the horizon, maybe I should also look for a winter clothes for JJ while I’m out here. I know he’ll outgrow what we already have.

It’s getting late, I’m getting worried about finding the part I need. I did find some clothes for JJ and a couple new flannels. I don’t want to have to come back out here looking for this part.

Finally! Found one that it’s not corroded as hell!

There’s something about lying next to Dina that is so calming, I’d forgotten what a good night’s sleep felt like.

~

Standing still

Still reeling —

Hearing, evoking a forgotten feeling

An echo calling back from the farm

A plea ignored once, but not once recurrently

Stay, staying from now to perpetuity

Awoken or reborn, nestled between us

In the radiant morning light

 ~~—~~ Fragile, tender, ready to be nurtured

Trust

~

I’m trying to work on my “self-talk” as this self help book puts it. Sometimes it feels like I’m betraying Joel or even Dina and JJ by enjoying happy moments with them. But has this book keeps reminding me, punishing myself won’t change anything, it’s not helpful, it won’t right any wrongs. I’ve made mistakes and I’m working on making things right by Dina and JJ a little each day. I deserve to be happy with Dina and our son. ~~That feels weird to say.~~

Things have picked up at the woodshop. The block behind my place is being cleared out, we’ll be renovating those houses in the coming months. Maria anticipates needing more housing available, we usually get people staying in Jackson during the winter months, before continuing through the region.

I’ve been finishing up several patio chairs. I’ve made so many, I’m afraid I might make them in my sleep.

~

JJ’s birthday is coming up soon, I should make him something. I’ve gotten better at wood carving figurines these past few weeks, maybe I can make him a wooden animal toy or a toy car.

We’ve been splitting so much of our time between Robin’s and mine — having dinner together every night now. Is it too early to ask Dina if she wants to move over here?

After watching JJ yesterday, Dina came over, I cooked and we all had dinner together. It was nice. I’d love for them to spend a few nights here, stay over, instead of leaving for the night.

Maybe it’s too soon.

Dina and I have been talking about her upcoming scouting trip. She, Maria, and a group of volunteers are planning a week long patrol to scout the mountains to find the areas that hordes frequent most. It’s a whole undertaking, bomb production, scouting, setting and maintaining traps, making sure travelers don’t get caught in them accidentally. I can tell she’s getting more anxious the closer the date of her needing to leave approaches. I asked Robin to help me with a surprise for her as a kind of going away gift, hopefully it’ll help ease her anxiety while she’s out of town.

We’ve been going over the books I found in Seattle with Dina, giving her pointers eventually she got frustrated with my “bomb-splaining” and shooed me away to give JJ a bath. Pardon me for not wanting her to lose a limb.

It’s the first night of Dina’s scouting patrol. JJ and I are having a movie night, watching that Lion King movie I found last week.

We’re barely even 30 minutes into this movie and I’m crying my eyes out. I’ve never related to a lion more in my life. How is this movie for kids?! Oh no, JJ’s crying because I’m crying!

~

JJ’s started getting a little over eager now that he’s mostly gotten walking down. He had an accident today. Luckily nothing too serious. He was trying to run around the living room and tripped over a toy. He hit his head on the corner of the table and needed a few stitches. God, Dina is going to kill me when she gets back. JJ is completely unfazed now that he’s all bandaged up, and hasn’t learned his lesson. He just keeps on running. I guess eyebrow scars run in this family.

~

Only a couple more days until Dina comes home, JJ and I have really been missing her. I’ve been trying to distract him but he’s been fussy the last few nights. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JJ's scar is inspired by my own similar scar I got as a kid running around and hitting my head on the corner of furniture lol
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	11. Beyond the Walls, Part One: Preserving These Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina leaves town to scout locations and set trap mines.

The yellow-orange glow of the overhead light illuminates Robin’s kitchen as Dina stands at the dining table. Maps of the Wyoming region surrounding Jackson lay spread out across the table. Dina and Maria have spent the past week planning out where to lay the mines, they’ll be going out to the northern and eastern areas around Jackson for this patrol. 

It’s been a while since she’s been on patrol, and she’d be lying to herself if she said she wasn’t nervous about it. She’s gone on patrol hundreds of times, but she only ever had to worry about herself. Now she has people in Jackson that are counting on her to return. Dina has her son to think about and what it would mean for him if she, or Ellie, didn’t return from a patrol. She’s reminded of the loss of her own parents and is desperate to prevent that from happening to JJ. No child should grow up alone, without parents or family. At least she had her sister, she knows Ellie’s had it worse.  
She knows the world they live in doesn’t allow for much comfort and she has to do her part to ensure that the community they’ve built stays safe. Thats doesn’t lessen the fear though. This patrol and those that follow to maintain these traps will help ensure that Jackson remains a safe haven and provide the best possible future for her son. 

So lost in thought, Dina jumps at the feeling of arms being wrapped about her waist, not hearing Ellie descend the stairs and walk into the kitchen. 

“Hey, didn’t meant to startle you”, Ellie says stepping back to stand beside Dina, gently rubbing her lower back, “Our little guy finally fell asleep”, Ellie murmurs into Dina’s shoulder as she presses a kiss against her there.

Dina pinches the bridge of her nose and tiredly replies, “That’ll make one of us.” 

“You’ve planned this out as much as you can, and you have a good team heading out with you tomorrow. What can I do to help ease your mind, you need some rest before heading out.”

“Who are you and what have you done with my Ellie?”

Ellie huffs. “Just trying to be supportive”, she grumbles. 

“I know babe. I appreciate it, I was just teasing”, Dina turns to placatingly rub Ellie’s arms before slipping them around her and burying her nose in the crook of her neck, “Can you stay tonight?”

“Of course.”

“And maybe give me a back rub to help me relax”

“Sure”

“Maybe a foot rub too.”

“Don’t push it.”

Ellie turns off the kitchen light as she leads Dina upstairs to get ready for bed. After a foot and back massage, they are settling in to bed for the night. Ellie holds Dina, who rests her head against Ellie’s chest. The combination of her steady breathing and the hand lightly stroking her back lull her into a restful slumber. 

~

In the early morning as Dina begins to stir, a crinkle forms on her brow as she sleepy reaches out to Ellie’s side of the bed but does not find her. She peaks an eye open to find that she’s woken to an empty bed, her hand resting beside her where Ellie should be. The sound of laughter filtering up from the kitchen eases her worry. Dina groggily sits up, rubbing her eyes trying to wake up before padding downstairs. The smell of pancakes wafts over as she descends the stairs. 

Ellie’s standing over the stove flipping flapjacks while JJ sits at his highchair clapping his hands together and giggling. 

“It’s a little early for him to be up”, Dina says playing with JJ’s hair, looking down at him lovingly. 

“He wanted to be there to say goodbye to you at the gates.”

While Ellie finishes cooking breakfast, Dina tidies up the maps on the kitchen table and finishes packing them away and brings her pack from upstairs to set everything by the door.

After a quick breakfast of pancakes with fruit and honey, Dina gets dressed for the day. It’s a crisp morning, and as her patrol gets further into the mountains it’ll get colder still. She slips on her heavier jacket, it’s easier to wear it than carry it, even though it feels a little too warm right now. They leave for the east gate to meet Dina’s patrol group before they head out. 

As they walk up to the gate, Dina’s pace slows, falling out of step and meandering behind Ellie, her gaze pulled downward. 

Ellie turns to face Dina sensing her hesitation and reaches out to put a hand on her shoulder, lightly tugging Dina toward her. 

“Hey I have something for you before you go.”

Dina glances up at Ellie perplexed. 

Ellie shuffles JJ from one arm to the other and reaches into the back pocket of her jeans and pulls out what looks like a sheet of paper. She hands it to Dina, dodging JJ who tries to swipe it from her. 

Dina looks down at what Ellie’s placed in her hands to see that it’s not paper at all, instead it’s a polaroid of Ellie and JJ smiling up at her. 

“Robin helped me take this. I know you’ve been anxious about this trip and hate leaving us, so I thought I’d find a way for you to take us with you while you’re up in those mountains.”

“Thank you”, Dina says with a watery smile.

Ellie pulls Dina into a one armed hug, and JJ places one of his hands on Dina’s shoulders trying to hug his mom too.

“We love you and we’ll be waiting for you”, Ellie whispers into Dina’s ear. Ellie pulls back to kiss Dina on the cheek, “JJ, can you say ‘goodbye Mama’?” 

He blows his mama a wet raspberry, babbles enthusiastically and chortles at his own joke.

“Silly boy”, Dina says tickling his side, joining him in his laughter. The sound of his laughter greatly lifts her spirits. “ I need to get going.”

“Come on JJ, let’s give Mama goodbye kisses!”

Ellie, and JJ tries, shower her with kisses all over her face. 

“Ok, ok, enough, I love you too!”, Dina giggles, “I’m going now. I’ll see you both in a week!”

“We love you Mama, stay safe!” Ellie calls to Dina retreating back. 

“Bye-bye JJ! Keep Mommy out of trouble!” Dina calls back.

Ellie and JJ wave goodbye to Dina as she climbs on Japan and heads out of the gates and into the wilderness surrounding Jackson. 

~

They make their way to the eastern range for the first leg of their trip. Dina’s not as familiar with this area, having patrolled more on the north west side of Jackson, but her group is very familiar with the area. She’s got a small crew of 5: Todd, Drew, Travis, Bonnie and herself. Travis and Bonnie she’s patrolled with before. They make light conversation as they make their way to their first site. 

It’s the first time in a long while that she’s gone on patrol without Ellie as her partner. Dina thinks back to all their time spent getting to, around, and back from Seattle. Knowing her so well that she had been able to anticipate her movement and strategies with little to no words make this patrol group feel like an ill fitting shoe. They get the job done, taking out any runners they come across, but aren’t the well oiled machine that she and Ellie are.

Thinking of Ellie, she brings her hand up to touch her left chest pocket where she keeps the polaroid Ellie gave her. God, it’s only been two hours and already she’s missing them. It’s going to be a long trip. 

It’s sundown by the time they make it to the first site and they make camp for the night. They’re about 30 miles outside of Jackson now and plan to create a 30 mile wide perimeter surrounding the town. There are dozens of passes that lead down from the mountains that they have to cover. After the perimeter is mined they’ll lay traps closer to the lookouts to catch any that get though the mines. 

~

She hasn’t missed sleeping on the cold, hard ground. She wakes with a stiff neck and a sore back. She quickly eats a granola bar before helping the others breakdown the campsite so that they can get to setting the first set of mines. 

At the top of the pass, before they lay any traps, they place a warning sign, with both words and symbols to warn any non-infected humans of the traps. The traps are laid out in a herringbone formation, which creates a safe pathway straight down the middle for non-infected passersby to travel through. Bonnie created these terrific sound lures to draw the infected in towards the mines. 

It’d be great to get a radio network established for Jackson. As much as she hated the WLF, they had an efficient set up. Even the Scars had a way to communicate over long distances. Jackson had a lot of catching up to do. 

~

She breathes a sigh of relief as she passes through the gates of Jackson. It’s been a long week, her feet, back and neck ache and she’s been dreaming of a proper home cooked meal. They’d managed to complete the northern and eastern region without much issue, aside from the typical runners.

Dina trudges through town with heavy feet, aching to see her family again. With Ellie’s house now in sight, her pace quickens, suddenly reenergized as she ascends the porch steps. Knocking and opening the door she finds Ellie and JJ sitting on the couch in the living room. The blue-white light from the TV illuminates them, contrasting with the orange light coming from the kitchen behind them. It’s warm and smells like roasted chicken is coming from the kitchen. 

Ellie and JJ perk up from their place on the couch at the sound of the front door opening. 

“Have you left the couch at all while I was away?”, Dina teasingly asks, setting down her pack by the door and taking her shoes off. 

Ellie pauses their movie and scoops up JJ, “Look who it is, JJ! Mama’s back!”

“Mahmah! Mahmah!” JJ squeals, clapping excitedly.

Ellie and Dina freeze in shock, staring open mouthed at their son. Those are his first words!

Dina’s eyes well with tears and she brings her hand up to her mouth. 

Ellie walks towards Dina, “Yeah that’s right! That is mama! Good job!” 

Dina pulls both Ellie and JJ into a hug, sinking into the embrace, simultaneously exhausted and elated. Dina moves to kiss Ellie, “I’m so glad I was here for this.” 

“Me too”, Ellie whispers. Dina can see she’s not the only one crying. They get lost in each others eyes for a few moments. 

“So Mama, how was your trip?”, Ellie wraps an arm around Dina and pressing a kiss to the side of her head and leads her towards the kitchen, “We missed you, didn’t we JJ?”

Now that Dina is closer she can see that JJ has a few stitches, “Wait, what happened to JJ?”

Ellie winces and nervously replies, “It was an accident, um, we may have had, uh, too much excitement while you were away.”

“Ellie, what happened?”

“JJ decided walking was overrated and he wanted to run everywhere, and then he tripped and hit his head on the table. ”

Dina lets out a beleaguered sigh. 

“You two are nothing but trouble!” 

“And you love us anyway!”

Dina shakes her head, giving her an exasperated smile, “Is dinner ready yet? I’m starving and it smells amazing in here!” 

“Have a seat, get off your feet and I’ll finish getting dinner ready. Shouldn’t be much longer.”

“Here, I’ll take him while you do that.”

Dina takes JJ and sits with him at the table. She watches as Ellie moves to check on the chicken in the oven, pulling out a thermometer to probe the chicken. Ellie glances back over and they share a shy smile at Dina having been caught staring. She brushes the hair out of JJ’s face, noting that he’ll need a haircut soon. She thinks about the past week out on patrol; setting mines, killing infected. This is why she’s doing it, to preserve moments like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a fighter but I think I wrangled it together well enough.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what ya think!!


	12. Feeling Like Home Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie’s 6th week back in Jackson

Robin came over to help watch JJ while I worked on fixing up the sink with the part I picked up on patrol.

I’ve been keeping busy the last couple of days, either watching JJ or working hard in the shop. A house we’ve been working on nearly had to be completely gutted. Luckily they aren’t all this bad. Section by section we’re replacing studs, clearing out all the rotted wood. The roof will need to be entirely replaced.

I can honestly see now what Dina meant by having the support system in Jackson. Robin has been a real help with JJ while I have to be at the shop. It really does take a village.

It’s a little awkward having Robin over without Dina being here. I just realized I don’t think I’ve ever spent this much one on one time with her. I’ve always felt a bit out of place around her.

I know that has nothing to do with how she treats me, she doesn’t treat me poorly at all, I guess it’s just guilt.She’s a sweet, kind woman that’s only ever wanted to be a part of JJ’s life. I’ll start putting more effort into talking with her.

I didn’t realize she was really into bird watching, kept a journal of her own back when she used to regularly go out on patrols. I never really noticed how many kinds of birds there were in Wyoming. Her journal is full of drawings of birds.

JJ has perfect timing! He’s just full of surprises! I’m glad both Dina and I were there for his first words. I can only hope that we’ll be around for every one of his firsts. I can’t think of a better welcome home present after a long time away than this!

She’d have hated missing hearing him say mama, especially since she called dibs on ‘mama’.

Dina asked if she could stay the night, as if I’d ever say no to that. I have a larger bed than the one she has at Robin’s but we still laid tangled together. We stayed up a bit, just talking, about everything and nothing, sharing soft kisses. It was really nice.

There’s a get-together happening down at the Tipsy Bison tonight. I asked Robin to watch JJ so that I could take Dina out for a night of dancing. It’s really not my thing, at all, but I know Dina loves it.

The fairy lights shimmer

Gleaming against your dark umber hair

Can’t compare to the glimmer in your eyes

Playfully, joyfully pulling me into you

You lead, I’ll follow - though stumbling

Losing a step or two

Distance inconsequential

I’ll always find my way back to you

With a gentle kiss and our foreheads pressed

All else falls away

As we sway and drift

Uninterrupted

I will always stay

You make me feel like I am home

I’ve been talking about Joel to JJ more and more these days. Dina caught me talking with him, I could tell she was trying to be stealthy and give us space.

She wouldn’t stop smiling at me all day, and cooked my favorite meal for dinner. I can tell she’s proud of me for opening up more.

~

Dina is assisting with farm rotation while she back in town this week, wanting to help out where and when she can before she heads back out next week to finish setting up the mine perimeter in the south.

It’s been too long since I last visited Maria. We brought JJ over to have dinner with her to catch up. It was nice to talk with her, I know she’s been very busy trying to run this place and without the help of Tommy it’s been draining on her. I tried to talk her into getting an assistant or something to help her out.

JJ sat in her lap, he took a handful of spaghetti sauce and tried to smear it all over her face. I think he knew we all needed a laugh.

I think I’ve narrowed down the animal i want to carve for JJ’s birthday.

Teaching JJ to walk was a mistake, keeping up with him is nearly impossible now! And he’s learned the words ‘No’ and ‘Mama’ usually in that order.


	13. Beyond the Walls, Part Two: Dina Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina again ventures out with her patrol group to finish establishing the trap mine perimeter around Jackson. Unfortunately this patrol doesn’t go as smoothly has her first.

The smell of evergreen pine and sap envelop Dina and her patrol group as they walk though a densely packed forest of various fir and pine trees. Their group has shrunk since their last excursion. Bonnie fell ill and Todd hurt his ankle while helping out with farm rotation back in Jackson, leaving Dina with just Drew, Travis for this trek to the southern and western reaches of Jackson county. With their smaller group they can travel a bit faster, but setting up traps once they get there takes more time. They’ve been trying to get into a groove, but always seem out of step with one another.

It’s been a few days since they left Jackson, having made it to the southernmost location the day before last without issue. They’re currently making their way westward from there, following a river, hiking through this forest canyon, with looming mountains on either side. The low roar of the turbulent river can be heard from here, several yards away. The trees are so tightly packed it greatly limits their line of sight and slows their pace as they keep alert for infected. They’re spread out to cover more ground but are still careful to keep each other in their line of sight. 

Peeking though the trees branches overhead, Dina can make out an overcast sky, muting all surrounding colors with its grey light. Looking more closely, she can see a scattering of darker clouds throughout the sky. The atmosphere feels charged as they make there way up the canyon, and if the low pulsing ache of her arrow wound is anything to go off of, those dark clouds signal a storm on the horizon.

She’s had a song stuck in her head all day, and had been humming it to herself as she makes her way through the trees. Taking a deep breath, pulling in the pine scent surrounding her, Dina’s reminded of her date with Ellie a few nights ago at the Tipsy Bison. 

~  
_  
The first notes of True Faith began to softly play throughout the bar. Dina excitedly pulled Ellie to the dance floor, wrapped Ellie’s arms around her and held her close. Dina rested her head on her shoulder, Ellie’s scent of pine and peated whisky; smokey, like a campfire on a cool night, fully encompassed her._

_“I love this song”, Dina whispered into Ellie’s ear, “ I like your version better though. Have I ever told you, that night at the bonfire, when you sang this for me, was the moment I realized I wanted to be with you. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I wanted so badly to just kiss you.”_

_“Well, I guess it’s a good thing you can kiss me anytime you want now.”_

_Dina drew back, brought her hand up to caress Ellie’s cheek, “Is that so? Anytime, I want huh?”_

_Dina could see Ellie’s eyes dance across her face, before settling on her lips. Dina smiled coyly and brought in Ellie for a gentle kiss. She pulled back only to lean forward again and press her forehead against Ellie’s. Dina enjoyed their closeness as they held one another, not noticing their song had ended and another began, each too focused on the other._

_After swaying together several minutes, Ellie broke the silence, “So my house is coming together, I finally got that last part installed while you were out on patrol”, Ellie’s hands twitched nervously from their place on Dina’s waist._

_Dina leaned back to better look at Ellie, “It’s definitely an upgrade from the garage behind Joel’s old place.”_

_“Still missing something though.”_

_Dina’s brow crinkled in confusion, “Wha-“_

_“All it needs is you and JJ. Move in with me”, Ellie implored._

_A beat or two passed and Dina remained silent._

_“O-or not, if you’re not ready. Sorry if I’ve overste” -  
_

~

A thunderous boom in the distance behind them pulls Dina abruptly from the memory. The sky is now a charcoal black and rain starts to pour from the sky, lightly at first but quickly builds in intensity. The roar of the river, booming thunder and pouring rain are near deafening, reverberating throughout the canyon. The screeches are completely drowned out by the din and a horde of infected catch them by surprise as they tear through the trees. Chaos irrupts. Their small band is out numbered and easily overwhelmed. Dina hastily glances over to where she last remembered seeing the boys, but doesn’t find them, just a swarm of infected in their wake. 

She doesn’t have time to look for them, she needs to get out of there and fast. She rapidly scans the landscape around her, looking for options, trying to remain calm while dodging infected atop Japan. There are very few places to properly hide, even in this dense forest. Crossing the river is the best bet. 

Just as she’s formulated a plan, lightning strikes again, closer this time, the thunderous sound loud enough to vibrate through her chest. The lightning and infected prove too much for Japan, he rears back on his hind legs and throws Dina off. She tumbles to the ground, trying to roll into the fall, and springs back up as quickly as she can manage. Rattled and a little dizzy from the fall, she swivels around trying to reorient herself. She sees Japan taking off in a full gallop away from her, and with him many infected follow. 

Wasting no time, Dina sprints to the river. Her eyes are wide with panic as she urgently sweeps the bank looking for a way to cross. By the way the rain is coming down, she’ll be dealing with a flood on top of everything else if she doesn’t cross soon. Down the river to her left, luckily in the direction away from the horde, a tree has fallen over the river. 

Adrenaline flows through her as fiercely as the river she’s trying to cross. Dina rushes towards the fallen tree, shooting infected as she goes. The tree trunk is maybe a foot in diameter, and looks sturdy enough, hopefully it’ll hold Dina’s weight. She doesn’t have time to dwell on it and starts making her way across, moving as fast as she dares.

Not sparing a glance at the swirling water lapping at her heels, she sends a short prayer that she’ll make it out of this. She slips and nearly loses her footing, but flails her arms out to regain balance. The infected that try to follow her lurch and jerk and fall into the choppy water and are carried off by the current.

Now across, she quickly grabs the sturdiest branch she can find in reach and uses it as leverage to displace the trunk, enough for the fast moving river to do the rest of the work and carry it down stream. A few infected leap into the water trying to reach her but the current is too strong. She doesn’t plan on sticking around to see if any can make it across. 

Dina pauses a moment at the bank of the river trying to see how far up the river she can see. She has no idea where Drew and Travis ran off to or if they made it out, things descended into chaos too quickly. It’s just past midday now, though it’s hard to tell from the tar-black sky, the temperature will plummet once the sun goes down. Her camping gear had been attached to Japan’s saddle, sounded like a good idea at the time. She needs to get out of this storm and find shelter for the night, maybe for the rest of the week depending on what this horde does. She knows of a ranch in the area nearby, though it is a bit of a hike to reach it. Using the river as a compass she turns to head in the direction of the ranch, hoping there aren’t more infected waiting for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to try my hand at writing a flashback scene
> 
> Let me know what y'all think!


	14. The Search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie’s journal entries from her 7th week back in Jackson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Text from each journal entry have been added after each image in case the handwriting is difficult to read.

I restrung the guitar I found, and tried playing left handed. On top of having to build up calluses again, my left hand coordination is all off! UGH its just frustrating cuz I KNOW how to play! Every time I miss a chord I can just hear Joel’s voice correcting me. 

~

I’ve spent the last couple of days up on various roofs, some are just patch jobs others are replacing sections or sometimes the entire roof. Since Todd couldn’t go out on patrol he’s been helping out with some of the electrical components of these houses we’ve been working on. He tried to show and explain to me what he was doing with the fuse or circuit breakers, I tried following along, but it went over my head a bit.I wonder if Dina would be interested in helping out with this when she gets back.

Walking back from my shift at the woodshop, I noticed a commotion by the west gates. Saw Drew and Travis ride in, they had only left a few days ago and weren’t supposed to be back for another couple of days.

They looked petrified, staring straight ahead, with lost look in their eyes. I asked them what happened and were Dina was, it took a couple of tries, but they finally answered. They fucking left her out there with a fucking horde. If Maria hadn’t been there to step in, I’m sure I would’ve punched them. And now that I’ve calmed down a bit, as Maria reminded me, they didn’t leave her on purpose. Still want to fucking punch them though.

They don’t have a lot of information to give us. They were significantly out numbered, the horde took them by surprise and separated them from Dina in the chaos, they waited for few hours several miles north of that area to see if she’d show but she didn’t, there’s no telling where she is, if she even made it out. They were in too much of a hurry to get out of there to see.

We shouldn’t've sent them out without their whole team, not that it would’ve helped much.

Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel.

Feel like I’m in stasis. I’m not sure what I should do. It’s taking everything to not to throw together a bag and run out tonight and search for Dina myself. Even I know how rash and stupid that would be. I was holding JJ, rocking him to sleep. I don’t want to think about doing this alone.

And leaving JJ here — wish I knew what Dina would do. Roles reversed, she’d probably stay here with JJ. She knows I can handle myself. But I know staying kills her just as much as it’s killing me right now.

We just started again, surely the universe isn’t so cruel to take her away just as things were working out. How would I explain all this to JJ?

They don’t know for certain that she’s gone or been infected, I have to hold onto that hope. Not just for my sake, but JJ’s as well.

~

I’ve been carving this giraffe to take my mind off things most of the day. At least JJ loves playing with it, guess we both could use the distraction.It’s nice to see him smile.

I can’t sit here and do nothing! I’ve been talking with Robin and Maria, helping them with putting together as large a group as we can. Not just to get Dina, but we can’t have that large of a horde so close to the town. We’ll be ready to head out about a day or two from now. Maria plans on pulling folks from the dam to assist.

I wasn’t sure if I should go with them or stay with JJ, but I feel I need to be out there taking out infected and looking for Dina. I don’t trust anyone else with that.

I dropped off JJ with Robin this morning.

It’s been a few days, we’re fixing to head out soon. Drew and Travis are leading the way. Dina still hasn’t returned, trying to remain hopeful.

It’s taken us a day and a half to reach the canyon Drew and Travis said was filled with infected. There are so many tracks on the ground, going in all directions. I know they said they were overwhelmed, but I didn’t imagine this many. Almost reminds me of the numbers we saw in subway system in Seattle, not the same but damn close.

~

We found a horse carcass. Camping gear and it’s saddle were strewn around it. The saddle bag has Jackson’s embossment. This must’ve been Dina’s horse. No sign of Dina though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave it on a bit of a grim note
> 
> Let me know what y'all think!


	15. Beyond the Walls, Part Three: Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina finds a place to wait out the storm and the horde and tries to come up with a plan to make it back to Jackson.

Dina shivers as she readjusts her pack while walking as quickly as she dares through the forest, doing her best not to draw the attention again of the infected around her. The cold rain is still coming down pretty hard, soaking her through. It’s slow going, having to keep watch for infected, taking out any that cross her path as stealthily as possible. The heavy rain provides decent cover at least.

She’s been following this river for a couple hours now, making sure to keep it in sight, but keeping to the cover the forest provides. She’s not sure just how far away the ranch is, not having been there herself. She just remembers Eugene mentioning it a few times while they would patrol the creek trails. Apparently there’s a gorgeous lake nearby that he would fish at. It’s not the most solid plan, it’s barely a plan at all, but she’s working with what she’s got.

Soon Dina stumbles upon a road intersecting the river and that continues parallel to one another going forward. It’s a busted up old highway by the look of it. She takes a moment to assess the expressway. There are a few runners stumbling around out there, but there’s a several cars to take cover behind and a large overturned semi truck bisecting lanes of traffic. She weighs the risks and decides to go down and try to scavenge what she can from the cars and the semi.

Ducking between cars, the first few don’t look like they have anything of value in them but eventually one of the cars has something good. Dina finds a a pair of binoculars under the seat. She uses her shirt to try and wipe off the lens and peer through them. Despite being 30 years old, they are like new.

Dina makes her way over to the semi and climbs up on the overturned cab and lowers herself in through the passenger side window. She rummages through the glove compartment. There are many log books and documents on what the truck was hauling. There’s a busted radio, maybe she can scavenge a few parts from that. Digging through the overhead storage compartments she finds a first aid kit and an atlas of the region under faded log books and insurance papers.

“Nice, well this is something! Look like my luck’s changing!” Dina whispers cheerfully to herself.

From the safety of the truck cab, she takes a moment to rummage through her backpack, taking stock of her supplies. Her rifle is gone, lost after being thrown from her horse, and she was too caught up in the need to run to notice it had fallen from her shoulder. She still has her hand gun and knife, she has about 10 rounds left in her pistol. Best to conserve bullets. She has three of the trap bombs that were going to be set up at the next site.

Dina climbs back out of the cab and uses the binoculars to survey the road ahead from atop the semi. This roadway is impassable. It’s been so eroded over the years that several large pots holes, some the size of swimming pools, litter the highway. With how the rain is coming down many of them are. She doesn’t want to deal with that, not with the how many infected are around. It’s not worth the struggle of trying to make her way through this. Probably best to return to the cover of the forest.

Continuing through the forest, she comes across an abandoned camp ground along the bank of the river. There’s a raft caught in the branches, but is littered with holes. It would’ve been nice to have a faster way down this waterway. It’s getting dark, dusk is on it’s way. She hopes she’s close to this ranch. A little ways away from the river picnic tables clutter the area and an RV is parked close by. Searching the RV she finds a couple cans of soup. If it weren’t for the rancid smell and busted windows she’d consider staying here for the night.

Just as she steps out of the RV she spots several infected very close by. Dina crouches low to the ground, and moves to take cover behind a large fallen tree. She looks over the log she’s hiding behind to survey the landscape. She can see at least 10 infected from her spot, all scattered about. If she’s quiet and stays low to the ground she can make it through and get most of them, enough to get through the area at least. Even though she has a few bombs at her disposal, she doesn’t want to burn through her stash immediately. Who knows how many infected she’ll encounter.

The spattering rain hides her movement well enough, she just needs to be careful of her footing. She’s not looking to take out all the infected, just any that are in her way. She’s done this hundreds of times, never without backup though. Taking out infected is routine, but a single mess up and she’s toast.

She makes her way slowly, silently through the thick forest. Crawling along the ground, ducking under fallen trees catching the infected by surprise, grabbing them to take them out using her knife. Dropping infected as she goes.

After hours of walking through this forest it finally opens up to a sodden deep green valley and a large stormy lake. She’s sure it’s a gorgeous sight, but current weather casting it in muted grays makes for a dull view. Dina takes out the binoculars to look out over the valley below looking for any sign of a dwelling. There, close to the lake, is a ranch. A large overgrown field with old fences, broken in some places. The only structure that she can see looks to have collapsed some time ago.

“Well, so much for that” Dina mutters to herself.

She scans the landscape again, to her left there’s a town a ways down the road and what looks like a hotel. Ellie had once told her about a time when she and Joel had cut through a hotel to reach a music store only to find a bloater among other infected.

“Yeah, no thank you”, Dina scoffs, turning to search the mountain side to her right. There, a mile or so away, built onto the lower hills leading up the mountain side was a house overlooking the valley.

“That looks promising. And closer. And still standing.”

Approaching the house she realizes it’s up on a steep incline, it hadn’t looked this steep or rocky from a couple miles back. The rain is still coming down, this is going to be a bitch to climb. The light’s fading fast, probably only 30 minutes until sunset. There’s no way she can attempt to climb this in the dark, it’s too dangerous. But it’s more dangerous to stay out here in the open, so climbing it is.

Climbing up the rocky incline is more difficult than she imagined, and she already imagined it would be pretty difficult. She tries her best to stick to the protruding rocks, most of this hill is slick with mud. She nearly makes it to the top without slipping, but spoke too soon. She looses her footing for a moment, her muddy boots slipping on the rain slick rock. She winces in pain as she twists her ankle trying to keep on her feet. It’s painful, but manageable. Luckily it seems to still hold her weight and she can move well enough.

The two-story house is as gray as the sky above, with a balcony coated in chipping white paint facing the valley below. Dina tries the back door, but it’s locked. She circles the perimeter of the house looking for a way in. All it’s windows are still intact, looking through she doesn’t see any infected inside. The front door is ajar however. She cautiously walks up the porch steps, letting out a soft curse when they creak. Slowly, she opens the door with her foot, pistol raised and at the ready. Nothing immediately pops out at her as she begins going from room to room to search for and clear out any infected. Has she climbs the stairs, she hears a rustling coming from the bathroom. Now on even higher alert, she creeps toward the bathroom. As she opens the door, she startles back as a cat yowls loudly and sprints past her to somewhere else in the house.

“Ah! Fuck you cat! Fuck, that startled the hell out of me. Well at least it wasn’t infected.” Dina, hand to her chest, breaths a sigh of relief.

House now secure and without infected, Dina returns to the front of the house. Along the front of the house, the side not facing the steep incline, she plants trap mines. If any infected make it up this close she’ll know it.

The sun has fully set by the time Dina returns to the house after placing the traps. Closing and locking the front door encases the house in darkness, illuminated only by her flashlight. Now within the relative safety of the house, the adrenaline that had been keeping her going leaves her, leaving her feeling drained and exhausted. Dead on her feet and half asleep as she climbs the stairs. She uses the last of her energy to find the bedroom with the cleanest mattress and get ready for bed.

She drops her pack by the bed and sits at a chair and peels off her boots. She’s currently covered in mud and still soaking wet. Sifting through the clothes in the closet, she changes into the first thing that she finds, too tired to care. An oversized t-shirt with “I went to college and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” written across it and hot pink sweatpants will do just fine. Dina carefully removes the photo of Ellie and JJ from the pocket in her discarded jacket. She places the photo upright, leaning against the lamp on the bedside table. Satisfied with her clothing choices, she collapses on the bed. Dina looks over at the photo of her family, their smiling faces are the last things she sees before falling asleep.

~

The morning light filtering in through the blinds of the bedroom window cause Dina to stir as it streaks across her face. She gives a small smile when she sees the photo again as she groggily sits up and stretches. Still reeling from yesterday’s exhaustion, her entire body aches. As she goes to stand up she winces, her ankle is swollen and slightly painful. She takes out the first aid kit and rifles through it for something to help. Long expired ibuprofen and an ace bandage are what she finds. She’ll try to keep off her feet if she’s able, should take a day or two to rest and plan how to get home anyway.

In her drowsy haze yesterday she didn’t fully inspect the house, instead only prioritized looking for infected. Is there someone that already occupies this place? Will they be back? Again she starts from going room to room, more thoroughly this time. On the top floor are 3 bedrooms and an office. Looking around the bedrooms though, it looks like it’s been abandoned for awhile, the dust looks undisturbed.

Her clothes from yesterday are still muddy and damp, she tries to find something better fitting and rummages through all the closets in each of the bedrooms. She finds a pair of dark brown khaki pants that mostly fit, whoever wore them before was a few inches taller than her so she has to roll up the pant legs, but otherwise they’ll work well. In another closet she finds a bright red short sleeved button up with a large floral pattern on it and a denim jacket. She also finds a pair of slip on canvas sneakers to wear while her boots dry out. They’re more comfortable than she’s given them credit for, not that she’ll ever admit that to Ellie.

Looks like the owner of this place was Dr. Mira Tibbon, according to the diplomas adorning the wall in the office. Bookcases line the adjacent wall. Glancing at them they have a mix of medical journals, romance and sci-fi novels. At least she won’t be bored waiting it out here.

Heading down stairs to the kitchen, her stomach growls in protest, as if the sight of the kitchen triggered her stomach to complain. She hasn’t eaten since yesterday morning. She has those cans of soup that she found yesterday, eating one of them cold is better than nothing.

After quickly eating the cold soup, Dina searches the kitchen and notices that the fridge has a lock on it. She’s never seen that before. Why would they need to put a lock on the fridge? Does she even want to know? Curiosity gets the better of her and rifling though the kitchen draws and cabinets she doesn’t find the key, but does find a hammer. Dina pulls down on the lock and hits the side of the lock as hard as she can several times to break the lock open. She’s surprised to see that they had converted the fridge into a gun safe. Inside the fridge, leaning against the back, was a rifle with a scope with a box of ammo on one of the shelves on the fridge door.

“Don’t mind if I do! Thank you Dr. Tibbon!”, cheers Dina picking up the rifle and testing its weight and looking through the scope.

Closing the fridge she notices a note taped on the door:

_Chuck and Susan went out to check on the folks that live a few miles down from us. We haven’t seen many of those things running around for a few weeks now, the weathers getting colder, maybe they freezing nights have done what the military failed to do and killed them off. Either way, phone lines down and still no TV reception we have no way of knowing what’s happening out there. Bobbie went to see if he could get anything from the store in town. I still have my pager, I might get called into the hospital while y’all are out. Bobbie/Chuck/Susan if y’all make it back before me, don’t forget the extra ammo and medicine is stored in the safe. Hopefully y’all can remember the year we graduated from U of U._

_-Mira_

“Guess none of them made it back”, Dina mutters with a frown, pocketing the note.

Now to find the safe. She hadn’t seen one yet, had she missed one while checking the rooms? These people stored guns in the fridge, who knows where they would put a safe.

Dina heads down to the basement. The air is cool and damp compared to the rest of the house. The exposed cinderblocks walls are lined with shelves filled with plastic tubs and boxes. Going through the boxes it looks like they had plenty of supplies. These folks must’ve been the outdoors types, there’s some bags of rice, dry pasta, a camp stove _“Wish I had found that earlier”, Dina thinks_ , a pack of bottled water, and a few butane gas cylinders. Dina’s actually surprised at how abundant the stash is considering, but being in a remote house up on a ledge helps she supposes.

Shifting boxes on the bottom shelf, she sees a safe in the back corner. What was the combination? She scans the note again. When did they graduate from U of U? Also what’s U of U? Dina turns the paper over looking for answers and glares at it when it provides none.

She huffs, “Guess we’re going back up stairs.”

Finding that Dr Tibbon got a BS in Biology in 1974 from Oregon State University and her doctor of medicine in 1978 from University of Utah, Dina trudges back downstairs to put in the code. She opens the safe to find ammo, rubbing alcohol, first aid kit, and medication. At least she doesn’t have to worry about supplies while she’s out here, that’s one less thing.

Her ankle starts to ache so she heads back up stairs to lounge in the office and read to get off her feet for a little while. Perusing the bookshelf to find something to read while she rests, as she’s flipping through books trying to find one that interests her, her mind wanders back to the memory that had been interrupted by the horde.

_“O-or not, if you’re not ready. Sorry if I’ve overste” -_

_“No, no, I was just caught off guard by the question. I think I just need time to think about it?” Dina says uncertainly._

The uncertainty had crept back in at that moment while they were dancing. A bit thrown by the question. Ellie seems ready to make the next step and it seemed logical, so why was she hesitating?

She throws the book down on the desk in frustration and goes to lie down.

She lies on her side gazing at the photo of her family, she misses Ellie and JJ so much. She’s so tired and sore and just wishes Ellie were here to hold her. She always felt safer with her.

~

The weather has been dreary and raining on and off the last few days. When it isn’t raining, Dina spends time out on the balcony looking out over the valley. Now with a safe distance between her and the infect and with plenty of ammo she tests out the new scope on the rifle, using it to track and pick off infected.

While cooped up indoors, Dina spends time looking through the atlas she found and begins plotting out a route home. The horde had rushed at them coming from the east. The best possible route could be to head further northwest before turning back east to circle around the infected. There are still a lot of infected in the area, the horde doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Waiting it out is starting to drive her insane and she’s getting a little stir crazy. She has no idea if her patrol is still in the area, if they made it back to Jackson, if there was a group coming back to clear the area. There was no way of knowing, and no way to communicate out to them either.

In between reading, planning, and missing her family, Dina uses objects she found in the basement and spends the day assembling a flamethrower. All the time reading up on bomb making with Ellie has really paid off. She’s never had the opportunity to use one of these before, but has heard they are very effective against infected.

~

As she lay in bed, settling down for the night, again gazing at the photo of Ellie and ponders over her question.

She hadn’t wanted to rush anything at first, but they were spending nearly every day together, sleeping over some nights now. Maybe she’s been ready for a while and just didn’t realize it. It should be an easy decision, so why had she hesitated? What was she afraid of?

That it would be another chance to fail? What if something else comes along and pulls Ellie away? Are they on the same page about what comes first? Family, and specifically JJ, needs to come first; to ensure that he has the best possible future.

But she wants this with Ellie, that hasn’t changed. They’ve worked so hard, developed the skills necessary to handle things now, they won’t fall apart this time, she’s certain. Ugh, fear never seems to make any sense! She’d just need to push through it and trust that Ellie will be there to get through it with her.

~

A loud explosion jars her awake. Dina sits bolt upright, clutching her chest in shock, scrambling out of bed still muddled from sleep. One of the bombs she planted in the front yard has gone off, another soon follows. She quickly gets dressed and runs downstairs to see how many infected have wandered up this side of the mountain. Did the bombs get all of them? Throwing open the front porch, pistol at the ready. She sees that she underestimated the power of the bombs she’s made and placed them too close to the house.

“Fuck! Half the porch is on fire!”

Dina runs back upstairs to grab her gear, quickly throws things into her pack, making sure to grab the photo off the bedside table. So much for planning, guess she’s leaving early. As she comes downstairs the whole porch it now lit up and spreading to the whole front of the house. She quickly makes her way out the of house and down the steep side of the hill into the forest. Half way down she hears the third and final bomb go off.

~

Dina’s flamethrower sputters. She hits the canister, trying to get it working again but it looks like its out of juice. She has one last canister in her backpack but no time to get it out as a runner charges at her. She stumbles into a run, looking over her shoulder as the infected gives chase very close on her heels. Blindly running through the trees too focused on the infected behind her that she doesn’t see what’s in front of her and she trips on a tree root. The infected is on top of her now and she puts her feet up to intercept it and keep it away. She kicks it back and it stumbles before lunging for her again. Before it has a chance, in quick succession, two arrows hit it’s head and chest, effectively killing it.

Dina freezes for a moment, staring at where the infected had been.

“Dina?”

Ellie rides up to her on horse back, quickly dismounting. Ellie crouches down, putting a hand on Dina’s shoulder, the other cupping Dina’s check trying to get Dina to focus on her and not the infected a few feet away.

“Dina!” Ellie’s face now coming into focus as Dina tries to catch her breath.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes”, Dina struggles to say through panting breath.

Ellie frantically examines her, hands gripping her face, turning her face left and right looking for injuries, “Are you ok? Did it get you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine, I’m clean”

Ellie pulls her in for a quick kiss.

“Dina, your arms, -“

Dina looks down noticing for the first time that she’s actually scraped up a bit from the fall. Now that she looks at them, her arms are starting to sting from the pain.

“-we’ll need to get you bandaged up. But not here, we gotta move.”

“I knew I’d find you!”, Ellie says with a relieved smile as she helps Dina to her feet, still looking her over, “I saw a large fire up along the mountainside and was heading in that direction when I ran into you.”

“Yeah that was me, I was in that house, accidentally caused a fire when infected came too close to the house up there.” Dina says replacing the butane canister on her flamethrower.

“Come on climb up, we need to regroup with the rest of the patrol, check in and see how they’re fairing. Looks like your flamethrower took out quite a few in this area.”

“Yeah I love this thing, when it choses to actually work!”

~

It’s late in the afternoon when they meet back up with the rest of Ellie’s group at their campsite. They decide to stay the night here and make for Jackson in the morning. As Drew prepares dinner for the group, Ellie helps Dina clean and bandage her arms. They have dinner around the fire, and celebrate, not only taking out a horde together, but finding Dina!

“We’ll have a proper celebration back in Jackson, it’s not everyday we get to bring someone back from a patrol gone wrong!” Bonnie says.

There’s not a glum face amongst them has Dina shares what her week alone had been like. All of them overjoyed to be reunited with their friend.

After her fifth yawn, Ellie pulls a sleepy Dina away from the dwindling fire over to her tent.

“Come on sleepy head, let’s get some rest” Ellie says holding the tent flap open for Dina and zipping it up once inside.

“I don’t know what I’d do if we hadn’t found you.” Ellie whispers, pulling Dina close to her.

“I thought you’d still be in Jackson, I was hoping I would run into a Jackson patrol group, but I didn’t think you’d be with them”

“What?! Why?”, Ellie pulls back to look at Dina.

“You should’ve stayed with JJ in Jackson, let the others come out”

“They left you out there once, I wasn’t about to let them do it again! “

“They were overwhelmed, it could’ve happened to anyone, you can’t blame Drew and Travis for that. We both know the dangers of going on patrols. You should’ve stayed with JJ. “

“It’s not that eas-“

“Don’t. Don’t talk to me about what is or isn’t easy, Ellie. This isn’t about you or me, it’s about him and his needs. He’s a child, he needs us. I know you can handle yourself and get back to us. Just as you know I can get back to you! We need to be on the same page about this Ellie, he needs to grow up with at least one of his parents.”

“I know that you want to give our son the best possible future but I’m not going to sit by and do nothing! Our son and his safety is paramount, but that doesn’t mean that I leave you out here when I’m able to help! Don’t forget that you matter too. And you’re right, he should have both of his parents raising him which is why I’m always going to fight like hell to keep you here with us. I’m not leaving you! We have a support structure here in Jackson, and we can lean on it in times like this.”

Dina’s mouth twists in annoyance and she slightly shakes her head, but remains silent. She has said that she enjoys the additional support of their extended friends and family in Jackson, something they didn’t have while on the farm. Ok, maybe Ellie has a point. Look at it with nuance.

“Family will always be our number one priority, we’re on the same page about that. And that includes you”, Ellie says scooting slowly toward Dina again, gently pulling her close, “Now, I know it pains you to admit that I have a point”, Ellie whispers as she kisses Dina on the cheek, “So why don’t we skip to the part were I,” kisses Dina just below the ear, nipping it slightly, “get to make out with my sweet, gorgeous girlfriend who I’ve missed greatly this past week and a half,” Ellie whispers, trailing kisses down her neck.

“You don’t play fair”, Dina groans as she moves her head to the side to give Ellie better access, “Ellie, come on, I’m gross.” Dina says, half-heartedly trying to push Ellie away.

“Now you’re just speaking nonsense.” Ellie mutters against her neck.

“I haven’t been able to bathe in over a week.”

“That never bothered you when we were making our way to Seattle.”

Silence from Dina.

“Do you want me to stop?” Ellie pulls back slightly.

“No”, Dina kisses her on the nose, “but I’m exhausted, let’s get some sleep.”

“Hope you don’t mind sharing a sleeping bag.”

Ellie unrolls the sleeping bag and lies down, holding it open invitingly and suggestively wiggles her eyebrows at Dina, patting the space next to her.

Dina smiles in spite of herself and rolls her eyes, “Move over stupid.”

Snuggled up together in Ellie’s sleeping bag, holding Ellie close, the events of the day catch up with them and they are sound asleep in each other’s arms the moment they lay down.

~

Stepping though the gates of Jackson, Dina only wants three things: to see her son, a home cooked meal, and a hot bath. Her mission to get home as quickly as possible gets derailed by Ellie when she grabs her hand and pulls her towards the clinic.

“Nope, you gotta get those cuts on your arms looked at, then we can go home”

Dina pouts the whole walk over to the clinic. She’s impatient to see her son. Her legs bouncing as she waits for the all clear from the nurse. Might as well get cleaned up the best she can while she’s here.

~

Taking the porch steps two at a time, Dina all but flings the doors off its hinges as she enters Robin's, calling a greet to Robin and JJ. Robin has her back turned as she’s cooking dinner at the stove, JJ sits in his highchair currently occupying himself by teething on a wooden giraffe.

Hearing the front door open Robin turns around, and quickly puts her wooden spoon down.

“Oh Dina dear! You had us so worried about you!” Robin says pulling Dina into a firm hug, “Sit, sit! Dinner is almost ready.”

While Ellie sets their things by the door and goes to help Robin, Dina sits with JJ and tries to coax the giraffe out of his mouth. She’s only successful when JJ gets distracted by the plate of macaroni placed in front of him.

~

Now back from Robin’s, walking into the familiar cozy, warm scent of Ellie’s home relaxes her in a way nothing else can.

“I’ll take him and get ready for bed, I know you’ve been dying for a bath”

“You read my mind” Dina replies appreciatively as they trek upstairs.

She goes to sink into the tub, letting the hot water wash away the previous week. She leans her head back and lets her mind drift into a relaxing doze.

~

Entering the bedroom wrapped in a towel, feeling refreshed, she’s greeted by soft and insistent kisses from Ellie.

“You are insatiable” Dina giggles, playfully swatting at Ellie.

“Can you blame me?”

Instead of answering Dina leans in for a kiss. However, Ellie takes a small step back, looking away nervously, still holding Dina in her arms.

“What is it?” Dina asks searching her face, trying to meet her eyes, anything to get a read on the sudden shift in demeanor. She lightly squeezes Ellie where her hands rest on her shoulder trying to keep Ellie grounded.

“Um, you- We were- Um-“ Ellie closes her eyes and takes a steadying breath, “I was wondering have you given more thought on moving in here with me? Sorry, I don’t mean to press the subject.”

“Oh, Ellie” Dina brings a hand to Ellie’s cheek turning her face to meant her gaze and tenderly stroking her cheek, “I don’t want to wait anymore”.

There’s a renewed sparkle in Ellie’s eye as she pulls Dina to bed, loosening the towel as she goes, dropping it at the foot of the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellie got to have all the fun solo adventures in Seattle so I wanted to write one for Dina! 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this so far! We're nearing the end, about 5 more chapters left!
> 
> I went back and forth on whether to include the last few bits of this chapter, having rewritten it about a dozen times. But I decided to keep it in. Let me know what ya think!
> 
> Thanks for reading! :)


	16. No Place Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie’s 8th week back in Jackson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Text from each journal entry have been added after each image in case the handwriting is difficult to read.

Looking at that house on fire

Up on the hill, smoke billowing

For a flash, the quickest moment

I saw our future tooswirling through the air

floating forever now out of reach

~

We’re fixing to head for Jackson not long after the sun rises. Dina is currently sleeping next to me, lightly snoring. God, I want this - want her, for the rest of our lives, however long we have, I want to be here with her.

it’s what she deserves

Leading her to bed, letting her peel off my clothes, pulling her on top of me, her moaning my name as we came together. This is where \- we belong. Tangled together. Reverently trailing kisses down each other’s body. Luckily, I didn’t lose any important fingers.

Dina traced my newest scars as we lay together after. We talked about everything, good and the bad. I told her more about California, about the coast, with wild flowers I saw that made me think of her, about how I got this scar, and how I got out of that scrape. I opened up more about Abby, and Joel, and why I let her go, what I saw when holding her under the waves.

Jackson still has seconds chances to give me, to give us. There will always be things outside of our control, but I don’t want to waste a moment.

The birthday boy himself!

What a sight to come home to

~

It’s our first night in the house all moved in together. JJ and I were finally successful in roping in Dina into a movie night with us! I borrowed a movie from Corbin that I think Dina will love to watch tonight.

Hasn’t happened in awhile, I’ve been managing pretty well the last few weeks, haven’t had flashes like this - probably not since I got back from California.

Vision tunneling, his screams echoing in my mind. Ugh it’s so frustrating! I just want closure!

A loud thud and JJ crying is what triggered it. I ran to go check on him, but I stood in front of the closed door of our bedroom, hearing him scream, I froze there, hands clenched and shaking.

I remembered to take several deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I’ve gotten better at recognizing when panic attacks come on and how to handle them before they get out of hand. I called for Dina to help with JJ.

We sat on the bed talking after, Dina says that happens, that some days are heavier than others. She reminded me that the bad days don’t erase the progress we’ve made. I’m glad she’s here to help me through this.

I really miss Joel, I miss playing the guitar with him. Dina suggested I go out to the farm to get the guitar he gave me. She thinks it’ll help me get more closure.


	17. Taking Root

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina wakes to the cool morning light in her new bed, new house, new life with Ellie.

Ellie’s house, their house, is quiet, the only sound coming from the quiet snoring figure next to her. Dina lies awake, resting on her side, as she watches over Ellie as she sleeps. The faint blue light of a sun yet to rise illuminates her, her chest slowly rising and falling from where she rests on her back. Dina’s still getting used to this, lying here next to her, in their bed, in a home they share together again. Sometimes it’s hard to believe, that despite fumbling a few times, this second chance hasn’t slipped through their hands. So much has changed, back on the farm, even in sleep Ellie never seemed to find peace. But now, brow unfurrowed, her jaw slack and slightly drooling, no longer looking gaunt and grim, she’s never seen Ellie more well rested. It’s a beautiful sight.

It’s hard to tell from Ellie’s peaceful, sleeping face that she had had a rough day yesterday. They had sat on their bed with JJ between them as they talked through her panic attack. She knows that Ellie wants to put that chapter of her life completely behind her, to move on. Sometimes it’s like Dina can hear Joel talking through Ellie. She knows that Ellie’s hard on herself for not having yet found closure, but these things take time, sometimes even years to completely recover from. She needs to be patience with herself and know that she doesn’t have to face it alone. Ellie might have a hard time noting her progress, but it hasn’t escaped Dina’s notice.

As Ellie rolls on her side to face her, Dina reaches out to brush a fallen lock of Ellie’s hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear. It’s not just her sleep habits that have improved, her appetite has grown over the weeks she has been back, and it has done wonders for her. Her fuller face and fuller build are nearly unrecognizable now from when she initially returned from California. Ellie was wiry before, but now she has more bulk, not just skin and bones anymore. Dina blushes as she looks over her, lightly trailing her hand down Ellie’s arm grasping her bicep and softly squeezing and rubbing her thumb over it, admiring her muscles hidden by her night shirt.

Dina’s wanted this for so long, her heart is near full, almost bursting with overwhelming love she feels for Ellie. To have and to hold her in her arms, to lie in bed and wake up and face the day with her, it’s better than she remembered.

“Stop staring at me and go back to sleep, it’s too early” Ellie sleepily mutters, her voice husky from sleep, eyes still closed.

Dina moves closer to Ellie and kisses her gently on the tip of her nose, “No.”

Ellie peaks an eye open to glance at Dina, “what’s on your mind that’s got you awake this early?”

Dina reaches out again, taking Ellie’s hand into her own, and begins to play with the Hamsa bracelet on her wrist. “You. Us. The future”

Ellie slides closer to Dina, wrapping her in a warm embrace, “How’s our future looking?”

“It’s looking pretty great. Just you, us, making the most of this. Seeing JJ grow and thrive. I thought I needed to be out on a farm to live my ideal life, but I think that I could be anywhere so long as I have you and JJ safe. It wasn’t being on the farm that made it special, it was you and JJ.”

“Mmm, you, me and JJ. That does sound nice” Ellie mutters sleepily as she moves to nuzzle Dina’s neck and place a kiss there.

“Hey, we’re having a serious conversation here, no funny business,” Dina laughs pushing Ellie back to look at her, putting a hand to her cheek, “have you thought anymore about heading out to the farm?” Dina’s eyes trace over her facial scars; her dual eyebrow scars, the cut at her lip, the scrape on her cheek from patrol a week ago, the one on her chin. Ellie’s been through so much, she deserves to bring any and every piece of joy back into her life. Perhaps the guitar Joel gave her can give that to her.

Ellie closes her eyes again at the touch of Dina’s hand to her cheek and brings her hand up to hold Dina’s, leaning into her gentle touch. “I was thinking of heading out there tomorrow actually, since I don’t have to be in the woodshop then. I’ll probably need to leave before dawn to make sure I can be back here before dark.”

“You know you don’t have to go alone, I can ask Robin to watch JJ for us and we can go there together”

“No, I think this is something I should do alone”

Ok, sounds like a plan, you can always change your mind, you know I’m here for you”

“I know, thank you”

“Good”

Ellie turns her head to kiss the palm of Dina’s hand were it rests against her cheek. “Now that that’s settled, back to funny business”, Ellie smirks at Dina as she leans into her, pressing her into the bed. Dina, looking up into Ellie’s eyes, shakes her head at her with a playful smirk of her own.

“I love you” Ellie says softly, leaning down slightly, inching closer to what she wants more than anything right now, “can I prove it to you?”

Dina pulls Ellie in bringing their lips together for a soft indulgent kiss, breaking only for a moment to mutter, “I love you too”, against her lips.

Too soon, they startle back at the pounding of tiny hands against their bedroom door. JJ squeals, “Mamaaaaaa!, Mama!!!”, unable to reach the door knob, he continues to smack his little hands against the door.

Ellie groans in the crook of Dina’s neck.

Dina plays with Ellies hair, “Your son gets this from you, you know”

“Before sunrise he’s your son”

“We really need to find you another movie to watch, how many times have you watched the Lion King now?”

“It’s JJ’s favorite movie!”

“Yeah, sure, JJ’s favorite. Now go see what your son wants”, Dina says playfully smacking Ellie on her ass to get to move off her.

“As you wish”

Ellie gets out of bed and stretches her arms above her head, smirking again at Dina’s blatant staring.

“See something you like?”

“You, always”

“You’re such a sap” Ellie huffs a laugh as she goes to open the door.

“You love it” Dina says with a grin.

As soon as the door is open, JJ jumps into Ellie’s arms who hoists him up, resting him against her hip, “Come on Potato, let’s go get breakfast ready for mama.”

Dina watches them head downstairs with a radiant and content smile.


	18. Finding the Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie’s journal entries from her visit to the old farm house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Text from each journal entry have been added after each image in case the handwriting is difficult to read.

I stood at the gate looking up at the sun bleached house, a specter in itself, housing ghosts, vacant and decaying. Had it always looked this way? So solitary, quiet and alone, a mausoleum in the sun?

My hands shook standing there, hovering over the gate’s latch. I waited for the dread to set in, but all I felt was calm anticipation, for what I don’t know yet. If I’m honest with myself I’m not sure I’ll find the closure I’m looking for here, but I promised myself I would try.

Opening and stepping through the gate, the rifle on my shoulder felt suddenly heavy, too much of a reminder of why I left here in the first place. I left it resting against the gate. It felt, I don’t know, disrespectful to carry it with me while here.

I remember the day we carved our initials into our tree, all the promises we made to each other. I’ve gotten better at mending broken things.

I stood at the foot of the porch steps looking up at the old house, remembering the usual buzzing of anxiety beneath my skin, the panic always on the periphery, the lack of appetite, the sleepless nights. I had been a ghost haunting my own house.

All of that uneasiness has quelled leaving only wistfulness in its wake.

The familiar creak and groan of our porch steps, the dull grey light pouring into the house, curtains billowing; an eerie yet fitting greeting.

Every sign of our previous life here has been swept clean.

Only the faded, dusty outlines of where things used to be remain

I walked through each of the rooms, letting the old memories wash over me.

Dina left a pillow and sheets at the foot of the bed, even ~~when I was gone~~, when I left her, Dina’s hope in me never faltered

How did I get so lucky?

Walking into the old art room was like staring face to face with my past self.

Sometimes you don’t realize how far you’ve come until you look back

Every last piece of me is piled in the corner of this room, carefully tucked away.

I lost so much of myself after his death, holding onto these things to try to hold onto any piece I had left of him.

I’ve changed so much since then, things got worse before they got better. I wish he could see me now. Finally able to be the person I need for myself and to be the partner that Dina needs, the parent JJ needs.

I used to be so angry that Joel ruined my chance to change this world for the better, for my life to have meaning. We could’ve had more time. I don’t know why I held onto my anger at him for as long as I did. Not forgiving him sooner will always be one of my biggest regrets.

The last thing Joel taught me, whether he meant to teach this to me or not, is to use the time you have to love each other. I’ll never be able to reconcile with him, but I know that if we had had the time, we would’ve gotten there, just like I have with Dina.

The peace I found in that, I was barely able to keep the tears in my eyes from spilling out.

Walking up his porch steps that night. I remembered how he looked at me with such a barefaced look of hope as I approached. Hope of our future together, hope of having me in his life again, rebuilding our relationship. 

I had lost that spark of hope that night I lost Joel, Dina carried that spark for both of us for so long. I’m in awe at her strength.

“If the lord gave me a second chance”

I think I finally get it now. I might not be the cure for humanity like I had always envisioned, but I can still build this world anew, starting with Dina and JJ, then Jackson. Maybe establish a sister city and network.. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but I can dream.

I’m glad Dina and I were able to try again, and try sooner, and not give up. Dina gave me a second chance I hadn’t been willing to give to Joel. I’ll forever be grateful to even have the opportunity to show Dina how much that means to me.

Dina and I have changed, but we changed together, and changed for the better. I like where we are now. There’s no end to getting better to working through trauma, but I know she’ll always be there for me, and I her.

Love didn’t heal me, didn’t fix me, but I finally let it in, and it gave me the safe space to figure myself out andwork on doing right by my family.

There was a I time when I felt that I only had poisonous scraps to give. The guilt and shame warping my mind. I have so much to give and, despite all my past mistakes, I deserve the happiness I’ve found again with Dina.

It can never be like how it was

The chords won’t ring true doing the same as I always do

Leaning into the discomfort of growth and change

Re-callused and re-learned

The future can regain it’s brightness and shimmer

Day by day, we’ll make the most of it

It’s time to let all of it go and rest in the peaceful sunshine.

I’ll see you around

On now hallowed ground

Your memory once a torment

Finally resting in peace

Though not forgotten

Left in the light

Where I had left it all behind

Once so blinded by grief

Now leaving daring to hope

To live the life I’m dreaming of

I’ll stay, stay, stay

And forever be better for it

It’ll never be easy

But the work is worth it

They are worth it

Once fragmented, unrecognizable

Now close to thriving

Not just simply surviving

No longer brittle

But reinforced and light rekindled

Rebuilt us and myself anew

Scraps no longer, fully whole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been thinking about the epilogue to this game nonstop for months trying to puzzle out its meaning. I absolutely love that part of the game, it’s so bittersweet in my opinion. I hope I was able to do it justice here.


	19. It’s Never Looked So Bright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Ellie’s away at the farm, Dina and JJ spend the day together, waiting for Ellie to return. Waiting doesn’t have the weight that it used to.

Dina blinks awake, with one hand she rubs the sleep from her eyes and with the other she blindly reaches out to where Ellie should be. However, her side of the bed is empty. Running her hand over the place beside her there is lingering warmth. Ellie couldn’t’ve gotten up too long ago. Climbing out of bed, she stretches her arms above her head before walking over to look out their bedroom window. Through the frosty window, she sees the faint pinkish-grey glow of the early morning sunrise peaking through clouds. Now away from the warmth of her bed, Dina shivers and goes to their closet to grab one of Ellie’s flannels. There’s somethings about Ellie’s flannels that are extra cozy and comforting. She catches sight of Joel’s old jacket in the closet. Sparing a glance at the window, she grabs it too.

Dina makes her way to JJ’s room, peeking in to find him sound asleep, lying on his back. Quietly closing the door she heads downstairs. The still dark interior is starting to lighten as the sun rises. Dina makes her way to the sounds she hears coming from the kitchen. Walking into the kitchen Dina sees Ellie illuminated by the light of the refrigerator, mumbling to herself as she leans down and pokes through the fridge. Ellie’s pack sits on one of the kitchen chairs unzipped, and her rifle rests across the table.

“I don’t know why you insist on doing everything in the dark, you know we have lights, right?”, Dina says switching on the kitchen light before moving towards the pantry.

Ellie jumps a bit at Dina’s sudden appearance, barely missing hitting her head against the fridge, and squints at her against the bright kitchen light.

“Hey! I was just nearly finished packing up and was going to go wake you, wanted to let you sleep for a little longer”

Dina hums as she pulls open the pantry door and pushes jars and plastic containers aside until she finds what she’s looking for. She takes out two granola bars and tosses them into Ellie’s backpack.

“I only need one of those, Dina”, Ellie says glancing back into the fridge. Seeming to change her mind, she closes the door and grabs an apple out of the basket on the counter and puts it on top of the granola bars and then moves toward Dina.

“I disagree. Here”, Dina presses Joel’s old jacket into Ellie’s hands, “it’s pretty chilly out this morning, and it looks like it might rain later too”

“Thanks babe”

Ellie quickly slips on the jacket, Dina zips it up for her and adjusts the collar, smoothing it over, leaving her hands resting near her shoulders. Ellie leans forward, bringing her hand up to cup Dina’s cheek, and rests her forehead against Dina’s. They share in this quiet moment together, enjoying the closeness.

Dina is the first to pull back. Ellie zips up her backpack, and adjusts the straps on her shoulders before picking up the rifle from where it rests on the table.

“You good? Have everything you need?” Dina asks as they move to the front door. She glances again at Ellie, her hands are fidgeting with the straps of her backpack. Dina reaches out to take one of her hands.

“You sure you don’t want company? I can drop JJ off with Robin or we could go another day if you need more time. There’s no rush”

“I’ll be fine! No need to worry so much”

“It’s my job to worry about you”

The cold wood of their porch is sharp against her bare feet as they step outside.

“I meant to leave about an hour ago, hopefully I’ll still be able to be back before sundown”

“Be safe, Ellie”

“For you, I will”

Ellie steps forward and presses a kiss to Dina’s forehead and whispers, “I love you”

“I know, I love you too! Now go! We’ll be here waiting for you when you get back”

From the porch steps, Dina watches Ellie walk away towards the town’s gates. She buries her cold nose in her flannel, breathing in Ellie’s scent, secure in the knowledge that Ellie will return to her, there’s no lingering doubt.

~

The quiet moment she shared with Ellie at dawn is in stark contrast to the noisy, chaotic morning she’s having with her son. While Dina is doing the dishes after breakfast, JJ opens one of the bottom cabinets and pulls out several pots and pans. He alternates between banging his hands against them and clanging them against one another. Dina gives an exasperated sigh as the clashing sounds of pots and pans reverberate throughout the kitchen.

Drying her hands, Dina gathers the cookware off the floor and places them in the sink to wash later.

“Why don’t we go pick out a book to read, little man”, Dina says as she bends to pick JJ up, carrying him into the living room.

Settling into the couch with JJ in her lap, she starts to read Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs to him. Unfortunately, JJ’s not in the mood to sit still today and tries to squirm out of her lap several times. Halfway through the book, Dina throws in the towel and sets him down to tire himself out, maybe they’ll try reading again in the afternoon. Dina gives him crayons and paper to keep himself busy while she goes to work on a busted radio, keeping an eye on him from the kitchen table where she works. When she turns to check on him after a few minutes, she sees that he’s coloring the book she had been reading instead, and lets another exasperated sigh leave her lips. Dina suspects that that will be a trend today.

~

Dina opens up a cabinet next to the stove and looks at the top shelf, glaring at the offending tupperware that is just out of reach. She glances to were the stepladder rests on the other side of the kitchen and contemplates walking over to get it or trying to jump to reach what she needs.

Grumbling, she trudges over to the stepladder and unfolds it and places it down, “why does Ellie have to put things so high up”, Dina mutters to herself.

Grabbing the Tupperware, she climbs off the stepladder and goes to put the left overs from dinner away, unsure when Ellie will be back. Putting the tupperware in the fridge, Dina goes to finish off the dishes, peaking out the window above the sink, keeping an eye on JJ as he plays in the backyard.

Tossing down the kitchen towel, she’s glad to finally be done with the dishes, including the extra ones from JJ’s jam session this morning. Dina walks to their record player and to put on something relaxing, hoping to regain a little peace today. The mellow notes wash over her and fill their home.

Dina steps outside onto the backyard porch, leaning against the railing and watches JJ run around with the elephant pull toy Ellie made for him. The sun is starting to set, with scatterings of rosy pink, light purple, and orange clouds set against the darkening blue sky. Dina tiredly smiles at the playful squeals of her son as he runs around their backyard.

Dina hears their front door open and Ellie call out, “I’m home!”

“We’re out back!”

“Hey babe” Ellie says, grinning affectionately at Dina as she approaches, stepping out onto the porch.

“How was the farm? Did you get your old guitar?”

“No, I left it there”, Ellie says, wrapping her arms around Dina’s waist, her front to Dina’s back, and starts to gently sway to the tune from inside.

“You left it there?”, Dina asks, puzzled, turning slightly to glance at her, “did you bring any of your stuff back?”

“No”, Ellie replies placing a kiss on her shoulder, “I- it’s hard to explain. It was like I could feel Joel there”, Ellie drops her head to rest against Dina’s shoulder, “Ugh, I don’t feel like I’m explaining this right. It sounded better in my head.”

“Hey, no judgment, take your time. I think I understand what you mean.”

“I guess I just felt I needed to let it go and I felt Joel with me while I was out there and, I dunno, I left the guitar in the old art room resting in sunlight. Stepping into the house and trying to play that guitar again - it was as if the last two years I had been holding my breath and I could finally exhale and take a breath anew and feel refreshed and at ease. It felt like he - or I - was giving me permission to move forward. That it was ok, that he was ok. That I don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying life.”

“You deserve happiness, Ellie. I’ll tell you that everyday if I have to. I’m so proud of you.”

“Besides, I have everything I need right here, nothing holds a candle to my family”, Ellie squeezes Dina where her arms rest wrapped around her waist and nuzzles her nose into the crook of her neck, and places a soft kiss there.

“I can’t believe I’m going to spend the rest of my life with the sappiest person in all of Jackson”, Dina grins.

“Weird, I was gonna say the same thing”, Ellie kisses her neck again earning another giggle from Dina, “You know when we were talking about our future yesterday? I think this is the first time I’m excited for what it may hold. I know, I know it won’t always be easy, but you and JJ are always worth the effort. I promise I’ll always try.”

Dina’s smile turns more thoughtful as she takes in Ellie’s words and responds, “Ellie, there will always be highs and lows, I promise that we’ll always share the load. You know you always have a place here with me to set it down, you don’t have to carry this all the time Ellie, I promise that I’ll always be here to help you through the day, I want you to know that you don’t have to be so strong every minute of the day.

“I know, that goes for you too, you know”, Ellie kisses Dina’s shoulder and glances at JJ, “how was he today?”

“Your son -“

“Oh boy, was he a handful?” Ellie interjects with a laugh.

“ - has barely stopped running around since he woke up. You’ll be giving your potato a bath tonight”

“You got it, mama!”

They continue to sway to the music carrying over from the house enjoying the beautiful sunset.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get over this” Ellie whispers.

“What’s that?”

“Coming home to my family”

Dina turns her head to the side to look into Ellie’s eyes. Words pass between them unsaid, but understood, and Dina brings her hand up to Ellie’s cheek to guide her in for a loving kiss. They return to slowly swaying together, watching their son play as the light fades over the horizon and stars bloom across the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END  
> ~  
> Thank you for reading! 😊
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this. I’ve never considered myself much of a writer, but I really pushed myself with this and I’m very proud of it! I’ve really appreciated all the support this has gotten over the many months I’ve spent working on it! 
> 
> Can’t believe I’ve made about 70 journal entries for this fic! 
> 
> I hope you found this story satisfying and that you’ve enjoyed my take on interpreting the end of the game! 
> 
> I’ll see you around!


End file.
